They’re Going Down!
All the runners, riders and form from this year’s PSM Match Reportage.
Don’t sit there dumbly when the voting begins! Here are all the memory-joggers and top-tips you will need to make the informed, objective decisions that you are known for!
|Number 1||Rik Flynn|
|Horley, 18th April 2021|
Flat Capster says: Anything from this stable must be taken seriously. Slightly jaded compared with previous, high-flying, Champion seasons, but cheesy radio-reporter Hammy Love still delivers laugh out loud moments particularly in reference to Robbie’s unsporting catch.
Odds : 3-1
|Radio News Bulletin|
|Number 2||Dan Cope|
|Upper Beeding. 25th April 2021|
Flat Capster says: Pedestrian showing from this colt in his second season. Decent grammar this time but not up to this company.
Odds : 100-1
|Year 4 Match Report|
|Number 3||Biff Line|
|Jevington, 2nd May 2021|
Flat Capster says: Doesn’t give the match result away which is always a good sign but despite moments of illumination, involving Chief’s famous chair, ultimately lacks a cohesive race strategy. Includes language and attitudes modern readers may find offensive.
Odds : 20-1
|Number 4||Jerry Brasher|
|Twineham. 9th May 2021|
Flat Capster says: Enthusiastic showing from last years’ surprise winner. Excellent command of the facts wrought with a tangibly homo-erotic love of the game. And what a game it was!
Odds : 8-1
|Warninglid. 16th May2021|
Flat Capster says: Weather!
|Number 6||Domu Mendes|
|Hartfield. 23rd May 2021|
Flat Capster says: A good early showing whilst mocking stable-boy Duncan’s pitiful trailer antics but fades badly. Lacks heart.
|Number 7||Robbie H|
|Goldstone Caners. 30th May 2021|
Flat Capster says: A tidy enough outing from the Hoare stable, one of four this season. Tightly controlled narration staying tight on the rails of nominations and score snapshots. Pleasing on the eye but no flair.
|Number 8||Rik Flynn|
|Bodle St. 6th June, 2021|
Flat Capster says: Stanley Unwin out of James Joyce. A barn-storming return to form from our own Bard of West Hill. Hard to see past this hilarious flow of up-madey, word-fuckery. The size of a cow!
Odds: 8-11 on
|Stream of Consciousness|
|Number 9||Ben Newland|
|Sidbury. 12th June 2021|
Flat Capster says: Trained by Lewis Carroll. More laughing out loud in a surreal tour–based dreamscape. Covid Marshal Biff and filthy Luca Modric are among the Skipper’s grotesque creations. Sure to be short-priced. Lump on.
Odd: 8-11 on
|Number 10||Rick Southon|
|Luppitt. 13th June 2021|
Flat Capster says: Mr Bojangles marks the passing of Old Mary from the Luppitt Inn with a toast to glorious weather and cricket! Pulls up before the first fence.
|Number 11||Dan Cope|
|B&H Crescent.20th June 2021|
Flat Capster says: Second outing of the season for Washington DC. Shows a bit more personality as he describes defending his nadgers from annihilation. Self-depreciative but not fancied here.
|Year Five Match report|
|Southwater,27th June 2021.|
Flat Capster says: Weather! $! /?
|Number 13||Ian Sewell|
|Littlehampton. 4th July 2021|
Flat-Capster says: There were high hopes for this filly. West Coast gangster vibes with atmospheric mp3’s but ultimately doesn’t stay the course and lapses into generic reportage. Does contain the Greys’ funniest joke ever. Each-way only.
|Number 14||Delbert O’Scum|
|Cuckfield. 11th July 2021|
Flat Capster says: Shocking dereliction of duty from Club Secretary. Should not be tolerated. Very late entry anticipated. Stewards Inquiry. (You’re fired! Jockey Club Secretary)
Odds: Rule 4 applied. Bets will be paid at 20p in the £
|Failed to Start|
|Number 15||Trev Holden|
|Streat. 18th July 2021|
Flat Capster says: Excellent maiden outing. Well-paced, tight narrative with literary flair and plenty of cricketing bon mots. Could improve his understanding of Geometry. One for the future. Each-way only.
|Findon.25th July 2021|
Flat Capster says: Fucking Weather
|WG Gracefully. 1st August 2021|
Flat Capster says: Fuckety-Fucking Weather
|Southwick. 8th August 2021|
Flat Capster says: Fucking Cuntabulous Weather
|Number 19||Alex Fenton|
|Rustington.15th August 2021|
Flat Capster says: First outing of the year for this knocked-kneed, old timer and he produces a thunderous display. A weighty, humorous and topical excoriation of the wendy, modern obsession with avoiding pain! Match report included. Good each-way fancy.
|Health & Safety Policy Document|
|Number 20||James Hoare Jnr.|
|Staplefield.22nd August 2021|
Flat Capster says: Promising maiden outing, from this yearling. A bit leggy on the bends but showed enough of that slightly nauseating, sub-Python, public school-ese that passes as the Lingua Franca of Sunday cricket reporting to pass muster. Excellent photos. Save your money this time.
|Dan Cope’s Diary (aged 16½)|
|Number 21||Roberto Hoare Snr.|
|Headliners.29th August 2021|
Flat Capster says: A long-lost new format from this aging, injury-prone stallion delivers a satisfying, brief, yet not, trio of formats. Top marks for poetry with excellent photos but fails to deliver on the afternoon’s pivotal moment – Dilshan-gate. Risky each-way bet.
|Number 22||Old Hoare/Young Pro.|
|Mayfield. 5th September 2021|
Flat Capster says: It all comes together in this a remarkable fourth outing of the season from the Hoare dynasty. They have honed their style to beautifully synthesise unobtrusive soft-focus journalism with loving, sun-dappled photography. A bath for the eye! Should be one of the favourites!
|Coffee Table PhotoBook|
|Number 23||IM Scrote|
|Cutters Choice 12th September 2021|
Flat Capster says: This beautifully turned-out thoroughbred will be hard to beat. Post-truthian coincidence abounds as the day’s events are rendered as a giant, fatalistic and ultimately meaningless triviality. Wearing cosmic number 31, he’s sure to be there in the final furlong.
Odds: 3-1, which if you remove the hyphen …..
|Wiki Fact File|
|Number 24||Weazly Brasher|
|Angmering. 19th September 2021|
Flat Capster says: Brasher-man takes the extreme tardiness of his showing and rather disrespectfully makes fun of the fact by depicting our Sunday cricket games as the mysterious rituals of a long-forgotten Prehistoric tribe. Complete with tea-stained scrolls( no, he couldn’t even be arsed to do that!) the result is surprisingly entertaining and supplies glorious detail about our ancestors and their enemies the Angmeringman tribe –now extinct.
|Number 25||Wobbly Derek|
|Cuckfield. 11th July 2021|
Flat Capster says: Far and away the best match report ever entered into this humble competition. Painstakingly researched, immaculately presented, knowledgeable, funny and achingly original. This majestic work adds inestimably to our understanding of the Sport of Kings. Clear odds-on favourite, surely nothing can stop this beauty sweeping these other donkeys aside. (That’s better! Jockey Club Secretary)
Odds: All bets off
|Genius Scientific Breakthrough|
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Like I said on WhatsApp. Painfully funny.
This is brilliant! Top work EO!
Top stuff ! For the record I did tea stain the paper but in such a half hearted way you can’t really tell .
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