On Saturday, 28 August 1624, according to the entry in Wikipedia, Horsted Keynes hosted what is believed to be the earliest known organised cricket match in Sussex. Knowledge of it stems from the death thirteen days later of a lad called Jasper (always thought that was a name that posh people invented quite recently, but there you go….), on whom an inquest was held. He had suffered a head injury during the game when accidentally hit by a cricket bat. As someone who coaches children’s cricket, I’m forever surprised that this isn’t a much more frequent cause of death.

Anyway, it’s 21st April 2024. The greatest game ever invented has endured, and the immortal Greys land in this most historical of settings to add to the cricketing history books. I’m not sure if we were still in the last ice age in 1624, but even if we were, I can assure you it would have been warmer on that fateful day for poor old Jasper (wahey! weather gag – it’s low-hanging fruit but you gotta pick it sometimes). Luckily St. David of Day has provided the ENTIRE team with hand warmers to place himself as an early front-runner for GOTY (Biff bought socks too, which is always appreciated).

My chauffeur for the day ran into traffic leaving Worthing (he must not live there, otherwise he’d know there is ALWAYS traffic leaving Worthing….[jk bbz, i luv n appreciate u xx]) so our carriage arrived precisely 1 minute before the game start time. This made my pre-game wee wee a rather rushed affair but, during said tinkle, I did notice some framed prose affixed to the water-closet wall. Some stuff about another historical figure forever trying to hit a ball (or throw an iron??) over the pub that nestles beside the ground. I wish I’d had taken a bit more notice now as I would have based this report around it. Never mind. There’s plenty of history to this place, is the general idea – you get it.

Greys win the toss and bowl. And bowl well. Three wickets apiece for Hermitage, Ashton and Day – the latter also completing a spectacular run-out ‘darts-style’ in a very cool and calm manner – did for the HK batting line-up. A great percentage of the wickets were clean-bowled (It IS still April so obviously catches weren’t ever really going to win this matches) which I think gives some indication of the skill of the bowlers and also some indication of the aid they may or may not have been getting from the pitch. Day and Hermitage probably have enough stats in the bank to suggest they would’ve dominated whatever the conditions underfoot; myself not so much. Tim bowled well too and was unlucky to leave empty-handed. He can console himself with the fact that it will surely be his day soon and that he is much more handsome than the rest of us (though Dunc and indeed Robbie H are apparently both much younger???).

I’m told by all the climate-change-deniers that the non-vegan tea was out of the absolute highest tier and huge thanks should be given to the home side for preparing it (not by their grand-children though, I’d wager). I’M FUN AT PARTIES!!!!

Much like the bowling performance, the batting was a real team effort. Young Dunc and Biffo both played some incredible shots during their opening stand – each peppering their respective mid-on boundaries with some absolute bullets. Delbert anchored and top-scored with 68 (the equivalent of an 80/90-odd on an easier batting surface I’d guess) and specialist-batter Babyface Statto also looked handsome. Del’s innings contained a multitude of great shots including a luscious sweep for 4 and also a six that almost killed a spectator! Somewhere in the ether, Jasper looked-on, no-doubt wearing his ‘Why Always Me?” Mario Balotelli-style t-shirt. Skip played a captain’s innings towards the end, steadying the ship and bringing it home after a mini-collapse when Ashton and Fenton fell in succession.

It should probably be noted that, before playing-on and starting said mini-collapse, Ashton did hit quite a big six (PSM). Now, like so many historical figures before him, he didn’t get one over the pub roof. He did however, hit one OVER THE FUCKING HOUSE DOWN THE ROAD!!

*Ian Bishop Voice*  

“DOMINIC ASHTON, REMEMBER THE NAME!”

Now, sadly, no-one died, so it probably wont get its own entry on Wikipedia, or be recorded in prose that in future will be framed and hung in a….uh….pavilion toilet (though you could make a case that is where this report belongs!), so let me record it here that it was MASSIVE. Massive it was.

Anyway, team game and just glad to get the 3 points. Always good to kick things off with a win. On to Cuckfield. DFWTMG

Stats Report
Stats are back…and you thought the start of the cricket season was the most exciting thing to happen this month.
After only one game the seasons stats show a couple of true Greys legends topping the batting and bowling, take a bow Messrs Day & Covill.
In the lifetimes Biff gets ever closer to 9000 career runs just 14 to go. The never ending race to 400 wickets see the bookies favourite, DD, edging ahead with his parsimonious 3 wicket haul yesterday. EO is his only true competition after Stato was put out to stud at the end of last season.