-
A sweater knitted by a female relative
-
Ill-fitting trousers
-
Black trainers
-
An item of clothing with a rip in an interesting or obscene position
-
A bad haircut or dodgy facial hair
-
A inclination towards incessant and trivial banter.
-
A mate who came along for the day and ends up playing
-
A reason for having to go a bit early
-
The consumption of alcohol and the smoking of cigarettes should be restricted to those members not actively taking part in proceedings (i.e. not actually bowling, batting or umpiring at the Bowlers end)
Fielding
The Team will welcome the opposition Batsmen to the crease with a courteous round of applause, a polite nod/smile/wave &c. or a chorus of flatulence in the key of C minor.
Bowlers preparing to deliver their first ball will indicate to the Batsman, either directly or through the umpire, the proposed method of delivery. Phrases such as ‘Work it out for yourself, bollock chops’ are not acceptable.
When preparing a run up, the Bowler should make his mark with the spikes or heel of his cricket boots or with any small personal item (please see section below regarding bodily deposits). The rules of cricket forbid the use of items such as caps, sweaters, trousers or shoes – the laws of common sense forbid the use of the stumps, local fauna, motor cars or the umpire.
Bowlers are generally excitable chaps and a certain amount of leeway should be allowed for behaviour immediately after a ball is delivered. A ball that beats the edge of the opponents bat, or shaves off-stump is usually accompanied by a groan, a sharp intake of breath or spontaneous and uncontrollable sobbing. Bowlers should not, however:
-
Scream wildly and throw themselves face down and beat their fists on the pitch
-
Violently strike the umpire/the Batsman/themselves
-
Shit their pants
-
In the event of an appeal for a catch or a leg-before-wicket, the Bowler and any Fielders within a four mile radius may bellow loudly at the umpire, throw their arms in the air and even dance in an animated fashion. If the appeal is turned down, see above for appropriate behaviour
The Team will always respect the decision of the umpire, despite the obvious fact that, as a member of the opposition, they are undeniably biased and are asking for a good slap. Individuals fielding close in will not resort to sledging (i.e. verbally abusing) the Batsmen until they are certain that they can out-run him if it comes to fisticuffs.
Notes:
If you are sledging, make sure that the Batsman has a living sister/mother/aunt/daughter before claiming you have slept with her recently, otherwise the effects of your tactical ploy may be diminished. Likewise, check that the Batsman is not aurally impaired, as sledging in sign language does not leave your hands free to defend yourself against two foot of heavy willow. An alternative to sledging a deaf-bugger is to whistle out of key or imitate acoustic feedback.
At the fall of each wicket the Team will not :
-
Perform a defamatory rendition of ‘Bye Bye Baby’, ‘Goodbyeee’ or ‘Baby Elephant Walk’
-
Moon the departing Batsman
-
Point to the pavilion (or, in the absence of a pavilion, the opponents kit bag) and shout ‘Shit happens, you useless bastard’
-
Do the Conga
-
The departing Batsman will be gently applauded all the way off the pitch – comments such as ‘Bad Luck Batsman’, or ‘Tough Decision’ may be muttered, but only if you are sure you are out of earshot.
Any bodily deposits (ear wax, finger- or toe-nail parings, hair of any description, nasal mucus, phlegm, sebum, urine or tagnuts) must be disposed of either past the boundary edge, or in a position behind the stumps where they cannot interfere with play.
Batting
When first taking strike, the Batsmen will ask for a guard and make his mark with the large end of his bat. The Batsman will not make his mark with any of the following:
-
A flick knife
-
A member of the opposition
-
His penis
-
The intrusion of an object or person behind the Bowlers arm
-
A sudden loss of confidence or courage
-
The intrusion of an object or person in the Batsman’s trouser area
-
An overwhelming desire to go to the lavatory (see above)
-
To wind up the opposition
-
If at the non-striker’s end the Batsman will banter with the umpire, talking about anything but the game in progress.
The non-striker will not attempt to trip the opposition Bowler in his delivery stride, or try to stop or catch a ball hit in their direction.
When calling your batting partner for a run, the following terms are acceptable:
-
Yup! or Yes!
-
Run there!
-
Come one!
-
Oh Shit, not again!
-
You’ve Got to be Joking!
-
Fuck Off!
-
Run run you dozy bastard…
Umpiring
No Greysman should refuse a stint of umpiring – ignorance of the laws of cricket and their application is no excuse, as the main purpose of umpiring for your own Batsmen is to tip the balance of fortune in your team’s favour.
Prospective umpires should have one or more of the following
-
Six small items (coins, matches, stones, hamsters &c.)
-
The ability to relate the counting of said small items to the delivery of six balls from the Bowler
-
Colour vision to a range of one metre
-
An attitude
-
Umpires are expected to interact with the fielding side, joining in with discussions on field placing, bowling changes, the match last night and if the captain’s really as big a wanker as everyone seems to think.
Try and think of ways to beguile and entertain your colleagues and opponents by developing a quirky or eccentric umpiring manner. You can pep-up your overseeing duties by trying any of the following:
-
Extravagant signalling, involving more than the requisite number of limbs
-
Putting on an amusing rustic accent when calling no-balls, wides and overs
-
Pretending to have a superstition about Batsmen who wear the Mark Of Satan
-
Feigning sleep when being asked to adjudicate on an LBW or a catch behind
-
Having an unusual set of counters (e.g. Live ferrets, ice cubes, South-East Asian Capital Cities)
-
Half raising your finger each time there is an appeal for LBW or a catch behind Wearing spiked shoes for sprinting like buggery when everyone gets pissed off with you
-
Shouting louder then the Bowler/Wicket-keeper/Fielders during an appeal
-
Standing like a man with a bicycle parked in his arse cleavage
-
Umpires should know how to assist a Batsman when he is taking his guard. Get the Batsman to approximately hold his bat where he thinks his guard should be and indicate whether he should move his bat a little to the left or the right.
It is not deemed helpful for you to say “Can’t see because your bat’s in the way”, or “Left a bit, right a bit, FIRE!”. Remember that you will usually be giving a guard to one of your own side, so it is NOT a laugh to give the Batsman an Off-stump if he’s asked for Leg-stump.
If a Batsman asks for ‘Middle’, do not walk eleven yards down the pitch, point at the ground and say “It’s about there, mate”.
mightygreys.com - home of the mighty greys cricket club 
Pingback: TMGs vs Findon 24 July 2022 by Diamante Dan | mightygreys.com - home of the mighty greys cricket club·