The Matrix is everywhere. It is all around us… 

Imagine if you can Alex as Laurence Fishburne (not that difficult, bald head aura of wisdom) and yours truly as Keanu Reeves (no way dude!!!). Sitting in a room in Devon “if you take the blue pill… the story ends, you wake up in your bed and believe whatever you want to believe. You take the red pill… you stay in Wonderland, and I show you how deep the rabbit hole goes…” I took the red one…it was tour after all. 

As I entered reality and my naked shaven form was disgorged from a slimy cocoon much like an owl expelling a pellet I blinked up at the lights and noticed I was dancing. The rhythmic beats lifting me higher as the chemicals surged through my system bringing my to a euphoric climax…anyone fancy a game of table tennis? 

And that’s tour for you…Fear & Loathing in East Devon with table tennis. 

We also go there to play cricket…which seems to be becoming increasingly difficult to arrange… doth our reputation proceed us…? Originally we were pencilled in to play Sidbury on the Saturday and Kentisbeare on the Sunday…but Alex was forced into action to rearrange both and we ended up playing Barton (from Torquay) at Sidbury on the Saturday, and hastily rearranged Upottery (or was is Luppitt???) at Luppitt on the Sunday… 

Barton turned out to be mostly colts and young colts at that – only one night into tour we were still looking pretty fresh (with the possible exception of DD, but he decided not to play preferring to slip into a coma on the boundary instead). The match was to be the now traditional mini test match stylee of two 15 over innings each. Barton batted first with an all youth batting line-up they struggled to score at a quick enough rate posting 52 off the 15 overs. Special mention to the young Barton left handed batter Toby who will be one to watch for the future playing some lovely straight batted classical shots.  

The greys batting was a little more brutal with the Dunkerley’s opening and pushing the score along at a lively rate. We passed the Barton score in the 8^th over and after a little silliness from moi and dead Ben, Del and Adam took our total to 117 (Del retiring on 41). 

This meant Barton required 65 to avoid an innings defeat. The Dunkerley’s swapped their batting boots for bowlers and both opened with maidens. They then took very different paths as Jim decided to help the oppo out and bowled a 13 ball over as the yips set in. Tom at the other end however had none of this and bowled a wicket maiden. It looked a little bleak for the youngsters and despite some hard hitting from one of their senior players and dead Ben gifting them a 7 (by throwing the ball over the boundary after they had run 3) they struggled to get the required runs finishing on 69 all out, 4 runs ahead. PSM was awarded to me for coming out of bowling retirement to remove their rather vocal young batter with my first ball that jagged back and clipped the top of his off stump. I think he cried… 

After a pow wow in the middle of the pitch it was decided that we would play out the match for a further 10 overs so the young’uns could get some more cricket. The total of 5 required looked a little steep as the opening pair of EO & Chief flailed around and both got out cheaply. QB batted with Dunkerley junior, Felix, to take us comfortably past the total required much to the excitement of the massed crowds. Burgers and beers followed in the sunshine. 

After another night either in or outside of the matrix we schlepped over to Luppitt. Now, Luppitt is famous for 2 things great teas and strong farmer types who hit is really hard and we were not to be disappointed on either front. 

Batting first Line & Edwards opened. Biff farmed the strike and pushed the total along at a merry rate – so much so that when the first wicket fell at 35 Dunc only had 4. Del joined Biffo and they had a fine old time with a partnership of 115 before Del was C&B for 79. Biff fell for 45 in the next over. Adam looked in good form and watched in bemusement as first dead Ben and then Alex departed for ducks, (the latter perhaps questioning his pre-match preparation of a cocktail of stimulants and depressants that would make Keith Richards blush). This comedy interlude brought DD to the crease and he and Adam took the big stick to the Upottery attack and the Greys finished on a very reasonable 214 from 30 overs. 

Emboldened by the experience of the previous day, at Sidbury, Hoare was given the ball to open the bowling attack for the Greys. Which went ok the Upottery openers looked to score but were kept relatively quiet with EO providing staunch support from the other end. PSM this time had less to do with bowling skills and more to do with lack of sphincter control. The bacchanalian excesses were taking their toll on the aged frame of Hoare and he produced a herculean bottom burp in his delivery stride that left everyone within 30 yards in stitches. Just to show it wasn’t a one off he repeated the feat within earshot of the boundary when returning the ball to the keeper.  

Sewell & Hoare came off after 8 overs and the game looked to be in the balance as the Upottery opening pair remained in situ but had not been allowed to dominate. Day & McHugh replaced them and both Dave’s bowled well DD taking a couple but Pullman the Upottery #2 was starting to hit his straps and get his eye in. When this bowling pair came off it was 109 for 2 off 20 overs. It looked pretty good for the Greys with a required run rate of over 10, however, what was to come was some of the most brutal hitting we have faced for a long time. Cows ran for shelter as Pullman opened his shoulders and deposited six after six into the surrounding fields. He finally went for 121 (his first century) caught unsurprisingly on the boundary by Del off EO. The damage was done and he had put Upottery in a winning position with 2 runs required off the final over. EO’s first ball wide tied the scores; second ball 4 and we were beaten. 

It was, however, great to be back in Luppitt the warmth of the welcome and sumptuousness of the teas peerless. 

Half the team set off for Brighton as the rest headed back to the house for more of the same but Sunday nights are always a slightly different feel as the tour breaks on the rocks of reality and we have to consider plugging ourselves back into the matrix. 

Statto’s report
I was definitely there because I have the scars but the facts are a little sketchy. What I remember is a tour of 2 days and 2 very different games: men against boys in the first and then old fucked men against larger younger men on the second. What’s this got to do with the stats I here you mumble in mild disinterest…well an example would be QB; he achieved his seasons best and then worst bowling stats: on day one he took 4 for 2 in the first innings and bagged a couple more in innings 2 for a 6 wicket haul; one day 2 he went for 2 runs a ball in his 3 over spell, a lorra lorra sixes as our Cilla would have said.
In the stats themselves the batting is alive and kicking with Biff only 6 behind Dom, Del squeezed into the top 3 with 41* on the Saturday a seasons highest on Sunday (79). In the bowling QB’s 6 wickets puts him clear at the top. A surprise new entry in the bowling is yours truly who probably still under the influence decided to literally chance his arm and had a little bowl.
In the lifetimes nothing I can see of note – feel free to prove me wrong.
No game tomorrow cos of the footie…which makes the next game Jevington…