TMGs vs Keymer and Hassocks July 2011 by Alex Fenton – Bogus Match report

Bogus match report KHCC v TMG 3rd July 2011 There was not the build up to the game of last week, with Ian’s 50th and all, but this was yet another game against Keymer and Hassocks, that should be lightly drizzled with olive oil and shoved, gently but firmly, up the anals of Greys history. We arrived at the ground to the sight of the brand new pavilion, well worth the £400,000 it cost. It must be hard for councillors to keep a grasp of the money when their palms have been so thoroughly greased, though, to be fair. What we hadn’t banked on was the absence of our leader Musso-line, or Pol Pot Belly, as he prefers to be known. No amount of power or motor cycle outriders can clear security at Gatwick, however, so we went in to the fray with double D at the helm, and in a decision that may well have involved a degree of thought as opposed to what normally happens, we bowled first. Yet again the opening pair of Dave and Rob tore into the top and middle order, and K and H were reeling at 42 for 6 by the time they were finished. Biffolini had arrived at 23 for 3, strengthened the fielding, and took over the helm. Dave especially with a couple of great slower balls, backed up by an excellent low catch by Ibbers at slip (for PSM) took 4 and Robbie 2, and we looked in a very strong position. After his recent excellent form Rob was hard on himself if he bowled a loose one. Don’t beat yourself up mate, I said. “but if you do, take your glasses off first,” added Ian. However, having exerted huge pressure with 21 consecutive dots balls, we failed to remove the other opener who went on to be 86 not out. Mention shall not be made of Terry’s failure to nestle the ball in his cleavage at mid-on when said opener was only on about 30. Pressure relief came in the form of Ian and Ib, who uncharacteristically bowled a few full tosses, into which the batsmen climbed gratefully. Obviously if Jerry had been there to shout UTF things would have been different. Wickets fell slowly but Shirely, with a sharp caught behind by Ben off Ib, and a brilliant one handed pluck from the air by Dave to remove the free scoring no.9, and we arrived at the last man, Roger. Playing his first game for 3 years after a hip and knee replacement, he was befuddled by one he thought had shot along the ground that actually clipped the bails, so maybe eye replacement is on the cards. Perhaps he could get some wheels fitted at the same time to speed up his progress to and from the wicket. Anyway, it was second ball, so we were denied the opportunity to see what would happen if he’d been required to run a single, as Ian wrapped things up with 2 in 3 balls. 148 all out. Tea was served in the new pavilion and was equally good value, and it was round about this time we discovered KHCC had 5 first teamers playing, including an opening bowler. Tim and Biff opened for us with Roger being the first man behind the stumps. With a series of no balls to help us on the way, Biff started well, but lost Tim, playing on. Terry came in and stayed with Biff, contributing 3 to a 44 run partnership, before Biff finally was out for 58 having wound himself and everybody else up with a solid display of incessant moaning. Attacking and defensive moans, cover moans, and especially wide and no ball moans had seen off a number of bowlers…..and umpires. During this Roger had realised he couldn’t keep wicket any more, and a new keeper was found. He took over the bowling from the next keeper about 25 overs in, but we had by this time reached 100 and with Alan the wall doing a passable impression of Terry, we still had all the time in the world to reach the target. A mini wobble saw Terry, Alan and then me (run out at the non-strikers end off the bowlers foot) lose our wickets, but Ben saw us home with a rapid 20. 12 overs to spare and 5 wickets in hand. Our first victory against KHCC, with their strongest team, wicketkeeper shenanigans, sledging and all round bad sportsmanship made the win all the more sweet. Back at the Constant Biffolini took on board the critics, and with half an eye on the lamppost outside, fined himself for being a grumpy git, and invaded Abyssinia.

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