TMGs vs Twineham 12th May 2019 by Zack Maxwell

It’ another first – TMGs first ever crowd-sourced match report!

Duncan: “Biff can you bring your radio?”

Biff: “Roger wilco”

Biff: “Hang on though, there’s no cricket or rugby on!”

Duncan: “That is true”

Duncan: “I just like listening to a bit of classic fm”

Shadow: “Anniversary of Smetana’s death in 1884 today. Classic FM will be all over it.”

Rik: “Remember trainers”

IO: “Remember to have a shit before Twineham, boys!”

QB wins the toss, first time this season. 1 in 4. 25% success rate. 

Sunny day, 17 degrees. That’s one degree above the historical average for the 12th of May.

It feels like 22 degrees in the sun, but all the old geezers are wearing big woolly jumpers like we’re extras in some sort of Scandi noir cricket murder mystery.

Fetching the ball out of the hedge as usual. Nettle stings. Bramble scratches. Dropped catches. 

IO: “We fielded. One good bat. We kept them to 180”

Zonko: “186 to be precise”

Tea was taken.

Some of us had a little lay down. Too much running about. 

Cup of tea and few doughnuts. A few Twix bars. Couple more lemon drizzle slices. Another Twix, why not, another cup of tea. One more doughnut.

Hatrick is bitten by a spider just before he goes out to open the batting with Biffo: 

“OUCH! I just got bitten by a bloody spider! ..Do you think that’s bad luck?” 

24 for 0. Biff swallows a fly. 

IO lurks impishly on the boundary waiting for the end of the over, takes Biff 1mm of water in an old dirty cup to wash down the fly.

Biff: “ah thanks mate, F**I&n ***K  A@$ N%tt. FFS!”

33 for 0. Both batsmen 100% not out. Ticking over. Decent bit of pace from the opening Twineham bowlers.

IO emerging from the pavilion “yeah thanks for your help lads, really appreciate it :(“ 

.. what? 

“I’ve just been doing the washing up, didn’t you HEAR me??!!”

Hatrick smites a lofted cover drive, very nearly a six. 

Zonko: “No indication yet as to whether the spider was radioactive but Rick IS playing well”

Little snick from Biff, caught behind.

Cold and windy day, 5 degrees in the shade. No sun.

51 for 2. 

Roborbob leaves one, off stump goes end over end. 

Zack almost played a forward defensive: “I haven’t really got that shot, it’s more of a drive”

Dunc: ”yeah a cross-batted drive”

99 for 4. 85 needed off 13 overs. Run rate of 6.53 required.

Trevor: “Tricky but doable. Good luck lads”

Wiggo: “The world is with you”

104 for 5 

Hatrick, going out to umpire – do you think it’s ok if take a beer with me? Is that too… you know?

At square leg: Finishes the bottle of beer and throws it at the scorer.

Dunc clunks a few. Then absolutely creams one over square leg, fielder sticks up both hands, and somehow manages to hold onto the ball, which knocks him to floor.

Zonko: “No way he’s going to catch another one like that this season!”. 

Shit luck.

126 for 6.  

Fenton bowled cross batted. 

Jerry caught at square leg.

Twineham bring on their worst bowler just in time. 14 off the over, 17 off his next.

QB and Zonko round it out in style, while Terry lurks 10 yards inside the boundary, padded up, helmet on. Hasn’t even had a bat yet this season.

Everybody loves a good run chase! #DFWTMG

Then its off the Royal Oak in Wineham for a lovely pint of Harveys. 


Terry’s imaginary dinner selection:

Whole baked camembert with red onion jam and toast (v) £9.00

Vegetarian nut roast with Yorkshire pudding roast potatoes and seasonal vegetables (v, n) £12.95

Chocolate and walnut brownie (n) £5.25

Royal Oak cheese board £8.95

And another pint of Harveys £4.20

That’ll be £40.35 please sir.

PSM nominations:

Biff swallowing a fly. 

IO bringing Biff 1mm of water to wash down said fly.

Terry disappearing during play, then emerging from the pavilion pulling on his jumper just as the ball flies through gully, exactly where he should have been standing.

Dom’s cut for 4 to score the winning runs, almost a flat 6.

Zack’s catch to remove the dangerous batsman (PSM)

Ben’s silky straight drive to the play area end.

Zack’s one handed stop on the boundary. 

Dom deliberately dropping the bad batsman so he could run out the good batsman

Dom’s yorker to bowl the opener.

Hatrick getting bitten by a spider and then batting really aggressively.

Hatrick umpiring: “Rob how many balls have you got?” 2

Hatrick throwing his beer bottle at the scorer.

IO doing the washing up.

Dom punishing a leg side wide.

Averages 2019 – 190513 and Averages Lifetime – 190513

7 responses to “TMGs vs Twineham 12th May 2019 by Zack Maxwell

  1. Fluid, amusing and thorough all at once – a triumph of economy – to music too! I definite early contender I agree.

  2. Don’t forget to look really really carefully at picture of Hatrick above to see what’s between his fingers!

  3. Brilliant report. I feel as though I was there. (PS.The music ran out before I finished reading) X

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