TMGs vs Hartfield 22nd May 2022 by Terry Burgess

Hartfield and the North

It wouldn’t be right to say that James Joyce had a single writing style.  Each chapter of Ulysses, for example, deliberately uses a different prose style to recount the events of a single day of Leopold Bloom’s life in Dublin. But the style he is most associated with is Stream of Consciousness or – a great favourite of some Greysmen – saying and writing whatever is going on in your head, unfiltered.  

In the desert, you can’t remember your name
‘Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain

You might well lose your identity in the desert.  I’ve just driven through Ashdown Forest with Rikki and I’m definitely no longer sure of whom I am and what anything is any more.

Hartfield won the toss and elected to bat on a firmish browntop with green tinges.

For TMGs, the ever-dependable Robbie took an early first wicket, caught at cover by Dom, shortly followed by Ben trapping the dangerous Sanders on 4.  17-2

Hartfield then consolidated, scoring freely until Robbie pegged back Gazzina’s leg stump. 70-3

“’Cause there ain’t no one for to give you no pain

What does that even mean?  Robbie’s bowling well.  Bet we hear the twang of his hammy going any second now though.

Why is it called a forest when most of it is heathland?

Rikki Southon came on to bowl for the first time in a few years, without luck.

At the other end, Akhtar’s innings was terminated when he skied one off Dom, well caught coming in from point by me PSM.

I’ve been through the desert
On a horse with no name
It felt good to be out of the rain

I mean, why would you spend so much time in the desert – or anywhere – without even trying to give your horse a name?  What do you say when you want it to giddy up? Even Neddy would do.

That ball he’s just hit up in the air. Looks like it’s coming my way.  Is it going to land behind or in front of me?  It’s spinning and fizzing like mad.  It’s in front.  I can even hear it now. If I go forward a bit I might just…bloody hell.  It’s in my hands, and it’s stuck there.   Better not get PSM for that.

At the other end, Emery had been carefully accumulating a fifty until well caught at slip by Robbie off me, and Marjoram was soon after clean bowled by Dom. 115-4

But why Frank though? I mean, if you’re going to call a horse anything, why choose Frank?  Who’s that after?  How many famous cowboys have been called Frank? 

Bet Biff is the first to mention that Spitfire up there later.  

Na na na na na na na na na na na na

Opener Neil Emery had painstakingly crafted a half-century, including seven 4s, before I got him fishing outside off-stump and Robbie dived forward to take an excellent catch at first slip. 116-5

‘It is a truth universally acknowledged, that a when a single man called Rikki in possession of a pair of whites is facing the pavilion with his back to the field as Dom comes in to bowl, must be in want of his tea”

Trigger was a good name for a horse though. 

Na na na na na na na na na

Mike Ward recorded his maiden wicket for the Greys in his first game, bamboozling and then bowling Simpson. 154-7

The ocean is a desert with its life underground
And a perfect disguise above
Under the cities lies a heart made of ground
But the humans will give no love

I just despair.  They got away with a lot of shit lyrics in the 1970s.

Champion’s OK, but I’d never use it, even if it was a Wonder Horse. 

Charters kept smashing boundaries, many of them down to cow corner. He was eventually run out by Dom, throwing in from the boundary from the last ball of their innings, by which time Hartfield had put on another 59, setting a challenging to total of 213.

The heat was hot, and the ground was dry
But the air was full of sound

What else is heat if not hot?  How did they get away with that? No wonder the rest of the song goes na na na na na na. 

Cow Corner.  Or as Ian once said when some parents and young children were sitting there against Streat, Cow & Gate Corner. 

Needing over 6 an over, Biff and Jerry got off to a bright start, Biff in particular repeatedly finding the boundary, including a sumptuous square cut into the wall of the tennis changing rooms. At the other end, Jerry was a bit more circumspect until he hoisted a pull towards the Pavilion.









Those aren’t song “lyrics”, just me when umpiring, turning down Mr Exall’s endless pleas for lbw when the ball went anywhere near Jerry’s pads.

Jerry didn’t spot that they’d moved someone to gully and steered it straight to Mr Akhtar. 39-1. Biff carried on accumulating before being bowled for a well-made 32.  57-2 and we were Up With the Rate.

Na na na na na na na na na na

Right Davey Bunnell and America – if you don’t get out of my head in the next five minutes, I’m coming up there to shoot you. 

With Dom and Dan together we kept up with the rate, Dom lofting one into the gazebo at long off, and Dan hoisting another over square leg and into the base of pavilion doors.

The key moment of the match happened on 119 when Dan ran out Dom.  Had they stayed together, a Greys victory was more probable than possible. 

Seagulls! Hey Robbie!  Any idea how West Ham got on today?

What’s a good name for a seagull? Jonathan Livingston is just crap.

“No – go back” is a fair shout when backing up, but many are understandably reluctant to say it.

Mike Ward and Dan kept the boundaries flowing, Mike making a promising 23 before he was bowled by Mr Sanders’ military medium. 157-4

Dunk clunked around before Dan reached his half century with four 4s and 3 6s before being bowled by Simpson on 56.   173-5

Why is he called Trigger in Only Fools?  He’s got a long face I suppose.

Might have to think about getting my pads on soon.

Na na na na na na na na na na

With Dan out, scoreboard pressure intensified. The Shadow came and went after steering  Gazzina to the third man boundary, but the rare novelty of facing left-armers was all too much when he was bowled trying to turn one to leg after everything else had been somewhere called Outside Off.  190-6.  24 needed.

Bollocks bollocks bollocks. All I had to do was get my bat on it and there were runs everywhere. At least I don’t have to anymore of Duncan’s midwicket conferences,  which are usually about food. And it’s got that song out of my head at last.

With Duncan out soon after, Alex had to hit out or get out, and with that in mind he was run out.  Victory was still in sight with two overs to go, and Ben and Robbie had a go, before we eventually fell eight runs short, and sustained our second loss of the season, although we made over 200 on both occasions.

Na na na na na na

Oh fuck it’s back.

Could be worse though.  Had the theme from This is Your Life stuck in there for months once.  At least I can look forward to a nice cool, clear pint of Harvey’s in the Anchor after they ran out in the Constant.


Some career batting milestones are now in sight:

– Jerry needs 45 for 8000 career runs

– Alex needs 79 for 3000 career runs

 – Ian needs 12 for 1000

Na na na na na na na na na.

Terry PSM
Hartfield innings – 1
TMGs innings – 2

5 responses to “TMGs vs Hartfield 22nd May 2022 by Terry Burgess

  1. Hatfield and the North – an early 70s fusion band from the Canterbury scene – they kicked America out of the park!

  2. Was it a fusion of prog and rock? Nice work Tel. I was very surprised when I found out that song wasn’t by Neil Young. In the song he can’t remember his own name so maybe he had named the horse but forgot that as well?

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