Schadenfreude – noun – pleasure derived by someone from another person’s misfortune 

It’s always funny when it happens to someone else… 

• Terry coping one in the knackers, not once but twice; 
• Duncan fielding with his face; 
• Tim dislocating his shoulder running his bat in; 

• Yours truly pulling his hamstring whilst sprinting at break-neck speed – losing the ability to stop and being forced to perform a perfect commando roll over the rolled up covers. 

“What do any of these have to do with the outcome of the matches in which they occurred?” I hear you ask…. 

Well very little but the PSM is enshrined in the absurd – NB I don’t think Tim actually won for dislocating his shoulder, and nobody laughed at the time but you get my point. 

I will now describe the events that led up to, and followed, my unfortunate event. 

Date: Sunday Sep 4th 

Venue: Mayfield 

Due to a logistical miscalculation the bongo contingent arrived late and the game had already commenced – Greys most improved batter Dunc and Greys legend and compact run-machine Jerry were already at the crease being worked over by the Mayfield openers.  

After the first 2 overs TMGs were 2 down both openers out for 1.  

Terry in his now customary medieval chastity belt (“better safe than sorry, young man”) came in at 3 to be joined by Dom. Of the 2 Mayfield bowlers Nawa (2^nd team o/s international) looked fairly rapid and the reports from the crease talked of late swing both ways!!! This Mayfield pair were, however, seen off by Burgess & Ashton, being replaced after 3 overs, by the youthful partnership of Treherne & Vosloo (Jnr). Both bowled well but the plaudits went to Vosloo – a left arm wrist spinner who rather fortuitously picked up the wicket of Dom who slapped a long hop straight at backward square leg, but then clean bowled Biff in his next over.  

This left TMGs 21 for 4 off 10 overs. Alex at #5 came and went for a duck (run out with a classic both batsmen at the same end moment) and with the score at 23 for 5 the Mayfield captain came over to the motley crew of Greysmen on the boundary to offer the olive branch that our openers could come back in if necessary to allow the match to go the full 30 overs. TMG politely declined. Terry was promptly bowled (for 4) by Treherne but as the captain was off the field it was deemed a dead ball (no comment) and El Tel continued. 

Dave came in to replace Alex and looked in great shape from the off. Driving off both front and back foot, with the doughty Shadow at the other end they plundered the change bowling – each bowler only being given 3 overs. Tel & DD took the score past 100 – Double getting a classy 50 including a giant 6 into the scoreboard. Before falling for 64 caught behind off the returning opening bowler Mewitt – interestingly the catch was taken by the other opening bowler who had taken the gloves at drinks. 

Greys skipper, Ben, joined Terry at the crease and looked to press on and in doing so felt the need to run Terry out for a season’s highest 37. Ian strode to the crease shirt unbuttoned to his navel and chest hair coiffed. He set about the Mayfield attack with gay abandon smashing 13 off 8. 

The assorted efforts of Terry and the tail meant the Greys finished after 30 overs on 152 for 8. 

The Mayfield openers looked young so the captain held back his prime beef and brought on stringy geriatrics Hoare & Sewell – appropriately recorded in the Mayfield scorebook as “opening bowler” and “sewer”. 

Both bowled reasonably but leaked runs with loose 4 balls most overs. Rob finished with 2 for 29 removing both openers, EO bowled the Mayfield #3 finishing with figures of 6-1-33-1. 

Diamond Dan and QB replaced the antiquated pair who sloped off to the outfield to mutter to themselves and dig foreign object out of bodily orifices. Ben took some stick going for 24 of 2 overs but did pick up the wicket of the Mayfield #4 – apparently caught by Dom – I can’t recall the catch but lets say it was spectacular. 

Double Dee replaced the Skipper and promptly bowled Treherne the Mayfield #5. Mayfield had been scoring at a fair clip though and were 104 for 4.  

The Mayfield 6 & 7 were the opening bowling pair Nawa & Mewitt. Nawa not content with being the best bowler and a very competent keeper, set about being the most destructive batter smashing the Greys bowling around the park. Dan the most unlucky bowler this season had him dropped by Dave on the boundary (tough chance back pedalling over his head). At some point during this bowling spell Rob took it upon himself to quite literally overstretch himself (whilst considering a chaise longue) and end up in a heap on the other side of the covers with [concerned/giggling] Greysmen rushing to [his aid/laugh at him]. Meanwhile, Mewitt at the other end also fancied some runs and between them they steered Mayfield to a fairly comfortable victory in 22 overs with 5 wickets in hand. 

So a lot of cricket happened, some of it excellent, some of it good, most of it average, and a bit of it not all that, but the PSM was won by an old man falling over….DFWTMG…..