Greys lose by six wickets.

Achtung! Back by popular demand it is mein goodself, Zer Interrogator from Kentisbeare Revisited and mein alter-ego, der Sexy Grossfärter, your live commentary team for today’s first meeting between these two time-honoured clubs.

Is that actually Grandfather in German?

Ja! Vos?

Nothing. What a setting! Deep in the Sussex Weald, an attractive whitewashed pub, on the edge of Buckhurst Park, country seat of the De la Warr family. Miles from anywhere except Pooh Corner, birthplace of Winnie the Pooh, it’s hard to imagine a more quintessentially English scene. And the sun is out!

Ja! Ven ze war is over you must come und stay at my family’s hutte in Bavaria. Zat is der wunderbar countryside!

The play is about to begin. I will be up close to the action as one of the on-field officials. The other umpire, Granite Foulerton, has obtained the agreement of the other captain that only “ree-ally obvious” wides will be given. The Greys’ veteran openers, Jerry and Biff, come to the middle. A polite-looking 15 year-old is holding the ball.

Mein Gott! Vot zer fuck vos that?

Hmm …, from square leg, I think that was the fastest delivery I’ve seen for many years! Don’t think Jerry saw much of it. Here he comes again …,  Jerry edges that for four. It is fast – faster than Dilshan, Stefan, any of them.

Is zis allowed! I thought zis vos ein friendly!

Third ball is faster again – it smashes Jerry’s off stump back. Dom takes his place and gets a single.

Halt! Achtung! Stop ze game! I cannot watch! Der Biff,  he has forgotten der spectacles!

The fifth ball slams into Biff’s upper leg. He trots off to get his reading glasses (1.5) before returning to face the sixth ball, which he doesn’t see either.

What an over! We are assured that they don’t have anyone else like J. Tully, but who is going to see off his five overs? The bowler at the other end is a bit wayward but bowls Biff with a beauty in the second over. Tommy Nicholls tries to batten down the hatches but is bowled, like Jerry, by an express delivery that jagged back into off stump.

Zis isn’t der spoort! Someone could get hurt!

It is Ben, our captain who is providing some backbone to the innings which essentially becomes Angry Ashton CC versus Withyham CC. Dom is incensed by non-stop, peurile, not very friendly and intrusive chat from the slip cordon.

Vot? You couldn’t hear anything!

Dom and Ben put on 67 together. However, although the intensity of the bowling reduces it proves difficult to increase the scoring rate. Mick Hartley, Louis and Ziggy S come and go but Alex hangs around sharing 47 with the nettled one.

Zat was fortunate considering you had walked back to zer pub for ein Harveys!

Excuse me? I umpired for 14 overs and then scored for another 10. What’s your problem? I was back in time to face the speed merchant but have to admit I was unable to put bat on ball.

Despite some sensational shots including four sixes, one of which went in the river, Dom can only drag the Greys up to 189, finishing on 90 not out.

Parsimonious openers, Ziggy Foulerton and Sewell, start well. One opener skies a hoik to Biff at mid-on. Batter number 3 is an aggressive and athletic left-hander, who puts his first two balls back down the ground for boundaries. However he must have become frustrated by the accurate dobblers he was getting. He launches himself at a ball outside off but he plays inside the line and Sewell’s ubiquitous swing brings it back on to off-stump. This will later win PSM!

Vot? You can actually play zis stupid game?

Sewell’s next ball gets the new bat into a muddle and he is hit leg before as he falls in a heap.

Ah!, zer gobshites haff gone a bit quiet now, Ja!?

Unfortunately, from 52 for 3, the incoming and older Withyham batters are much more careful with their shots and gradually take the game away from the Greys again, despite at that point needing ten an over.

The opener, who took about an hour to wake up, eventually gets a fifty before being bowled all ends up by Terry.

He vos useless!! I could do better mitt ein bratwürst!

Unbelievably, Tom N and Dom Nettley bowl 11 overs between them without a wicket. There is plenty of playing and missing and false shots but nothing goes to hand. Mick is playing a blinder, no pun, behind the stumps, no doubt greatly cheered by the fact his eyes were working. He throws himself at everything and stops everything. However the Withyham middle order patiently chip away at our 189, their experience

telling as they calmly knock two fours off the last over to win.

I vill never understand der Cricket; how could der Greys lose zat game?

There were jugs all round in the Dorset Arms afterwards and good humour flowed between those mature enough to know how to speak to new people.

But, vosn’t Dom eating der tofu?

I think he was holding his shorts under the hand-dryer. Sorry, mate!

Der Jug! Ja! Ve haff zis tradition in Deutschland. Prost! Prost!

Steady on, Fritz! Pass that here!

Scheisse! Arschgeige!

So,that’s all folks! Hic! We hope you have enjoyed the close-up and informed commentary from myself and Der Interrogator. Goodnight!

Auf Weidershen! Hic! Ja!

Statto’s report

Prophetic Stats…
Well, I’m not saying that I definitely have “the gift” but that fella I mentioned last week has burst into action. Dom’s back! Highest season’s personal score yesterday (90*) and he’s on top of the batting 7 ahead of Biff. In the bowling a good week for the old grey donkey as EO’s holy trinity of bowled, LBW & caught puts him level with El Shadow, 5 behind the wicketless Chris. The catching is largely unchanged with Chris still 3 clear of Jezza.
In the lifetimes Tommy Nicks’ first Greys duck see his average drop below 100 – but he’d probably take 82.6, it’s acceptable.
Next week TMG’s are off to Surrey, again, and Chipstead, Coulsdon & Whatever…