After a little shall we, shan’t we? and then some can we, can’t we?, TMGs first game of the season was finally agreed on and arranged at the beautifully appointed Temple Grove cricket ground…. and as a number of senior Greysmen made a mental note of, the equally well appointed Temple Grove Care Home.  

Imagine the joyous feeling you would get from seeing out your days in such an idyllic setting in the knowledge that there was the small chance that this wouldn’t end up being the place where you slowly forgot who you were and faded away, but the place where you were killed by being struck on the head with cricket ball. How we would all like to go, I’m sure I can speak for all Greysmen there.  

Who knows, perhaps that’s the Kryptonite that pierces our immortality? I’ll have to consult with Biff, who I think arbitrates on these matters. Another bonus- assuming the ball was hit by someone from a team with suitable public liability cover, the beneficiaries of you estate would be quids in too.  

I must admit, if my physical state continues to deteriorate at the current rate, I’m not so sure I am looking forward to the latter stages of immortality…(insert your own philosophical/metaphysical objection to that sentence here).  

Anyway, Temple Grove would make a great set for a Midsomer Murder type cricket based mystery and is probably one of the most attractive grounds TMGs have ever played on. The weather was doing it’s part, too, with the temperature best described as “jumpers optional”, which we will always take in mid April. Old church on one side and a stately home tucked away on the other and with a decent wicket, it won’t stay a hidden gem for long. 

As I took in the splendour of my surroundings, my eyes alighted on a slightly confused looking white haired individual, walking slowly round in circles with his head bowed, near the entrance to the old folks home. I was beginning to feel a small degree of concern for the old chap and began look around to see if he was with anyone, but then luckily, before I became too alarmed, I realized it was Terry (sorry if you saw that joke coming near the beginning of this paragraph). I think what may have given him away was that his movements were actually very similar to how he moves when he’s half-heartedly looking for a ball in some long grass just using his feet. In fact it turned out he was being all high tech and trying to find a phone signal.  

The combined Unity players and supporters arrived, and whatever animosities may have existed between the two teams in the past, for reasons long forgotten and in all likelihood overblown, all was sweetness and light between us and I’m happy to report not a single punch was thrown.  

The game was allowed to commence after the now traditional handing out of the white socks by Biff. I’m not quite sure if this is to help ensure that all Greysmen are properly and appropriately attired on the field of play, or because he can never fully get over just how many pairs of socks you can get for a tenner at Sports Direct.  

Skip won the toss and elected to bat. TMGs most frequent openers, Jerry and Biff strode out to the middle, but unfortunately and maybe showing a bit of early season rustiness (and I’m not talking about his hands) Jerry inside edged the fourth ball of the innings into his stumps.  

Dave Double D Overlord Day was next in, somewhat surprised to be elevated to No3, but as we all know he gets into any TMGs XI on his batting alone, and he was soon looking very at home and in control. Biff was also looking solid, even with a spin bowler opening the bowling. To be clear, it’s not that he is vulnerable to spin, it’s that opening with a spinner is “not proper cricket”, and it just brings his BP up a few points. However, after a lovely sweep shot, Biff got a leading edge unable to wait for the slow ball, trying to play another leg side shot and was caught for 12.  

With the score on 25, Tommy Nicks came in and despite riding his luck a little, played nicely for a quick 22, before inexplicably deciding to play a full on switch hit, or maybe just a reverse sweep, I’m not sure and may have had a can of lager obscuring my line of sight at the time. The result was a sharp catch at gulley.  

It was at around this point in the game that it looked like I might be on to something with the “cricket ball on the head” euthanasia idea. A Care Home resident, who I assumed would be the first of many who signed that particular “death by cricket ball power of attorney” was wheeled out to the boundary edge and left to their fate. I began to imagine a ten pin bowling style arrangement of wheeled contraptions on the stretch of grass beyond the white line. It was not to be, however, and there were no other takers on the day before the old lady was wheeled back in for some lovely prescription drugs and afternoon stupor. 

Isn’t it always the way when the Greys have what looks like a good batting side on paper that we have a collapse? Our top 5 on the day were a strong line up, yet all were gone with only 61 on the board, as Dom fell for 3 to lovely bit of bowling from a young left arm swinger.  

Things were only to get worse, as myself, Chris and Terry all went for ducks, and Louie for 9, including a top edgedish 6 into the pavilion which nearly went through the hole made in the window the day before. He was out playing across the line to quite a good ball, apparently using the logic that as the previous one hadn’t hit the stumps, this one probably wouldn’t either.  

Now in the Dire Straits of Hormuz (actually that’s a recycled pub quiz name I was quite pleased with and I thought I’d give another run out here), TMGs were teetering on the brink of ignominy. This renewed fixture, finally fulfilled after a famous fallout and frequent false dawns was now looking highly likely to be a repeat of a game from last century, and the Unity were going to roll back the years and give us exactly the same sort of thrashing they had given us back in 1991. 

But somehow games of cricket have a way of not turning out quite how you think they will. And so it was to prove. 

Whether through-  

1) The Unity’s collective subconscious relaxation and a sense of a game already won. 

2) The Unity skipper removing from the bowling attack the left armer, who was swinging it both ways and was on 3 for 3 from 3. 

3) The amazing and steadfast Greys batting. 

 or a combination of all three of those reasons (sorry for all the three’s, as Dom might say to a much less fit batting partner), Ben and no.11 Ian managed to steer us from 87 for 9 to 123 for 9 at the close.  

Ian’s defence was obdurate, impenetrable and immaculate. 4 not out, but what an important 4. Benny played a brilliantly timed innings choosing his shots and regularly beating the field as well as playing some great shots straight at someone, finishing with his highest not out score of 43, which but for another over or two would surely have been a maiden 50 for TMGs. Must only be a matter of time. 

No tea, no cheese status to report on… but I can report that there was a lot of smoked cricketers and Jerry lunching on 7½% beer. 

Despite the heroic efforts of our final pair, the general feeling was of course that 123, while defendable, was probably not enough. 

We took to the field and audible creaks could be heard as various Greysmen stretched, twisted and attempted to run for the first time since last September.  

Field set, those of us who hadn’t even been fucking arsed to go to the nets all winter watched to see whether Louis’ 100% attendance had reaped any rewards. The answer came quickly in all senses of the word, as the first ball came down rapidly and felled the Unity no.1, causing him to just slip and kick his wicket. He’d apparently decided at the last minute not to wear his new bright orange spikes, luckily for us. 

This of course lifted our spirits considerably, and really, really should have been nommed for PSM, as it would have been a very valid contender (sorry Louis on behalf of me and the rest of the failing drug addled memories that are some of the Greys). 

Suitably buoyed, TMGs built on this great start with Louis bowling another beauty to push back middle stump. Chris Ziggy Foullerton, bowling with his usual screwed up eyes and screwed down hairdo (copyright I. Sewell), oh, and metronomic line and length, got the dangerous looking no.3, with considerable help from a brilliant running round the boundary catch from Skipper, which he made look effortless. Double D came on, had one taken behind (oo-er matron) and with everyone bowling accurately, The Unity were 37 for 4  off 18 overs at drinks/fag break and tables well and truly turned. Furthermore the drinks break did it’s thing and Ian chipped in with another wicket straight after resumption. 

However, nothing is ever that simple, because see above. 

5 wickets down, father and son Drivers started a rearguard action (lucky they don’t play for TMGs, or they’d only ever pay £5 subs). It was nearly but not quite what Ben and Ian had done, however they never quite got the momentum and  despite one expensive over, the run rate crept inexorably higher and the bowling didn’t give them many chances to escape the Greys stranglehold. Terry, perhaps with his 300^th wicket beckoning or maybe due to a shoulder crunching diving stop on the boundary, wasn’t at his beguiling best and the responsibility of closing out of the innings fell into the very capable hands of Day and Ashton.  

If the Unity pair were waiting to pounce on the weak link in our bowling, they were waiting in vain. Dom steaming in was keeping things tight and testing Tom’s keeping at the Church end while Dave Day was wrapping up the game at the other.  

Firstly by inducing the younger Driver (Baby? Learner?), Joe, to get himself stumped by Tom, then Antonius edging behind (both of these batsmen gave themselves out, which is very sporting of them, especially given the situation).  

Soon following them into Dave’s wicket column, Mark Driver played some lovely cuts and a lofted drive, then holed out to be caught by Dom. Dave’s next ball produced a hard shot to backward point taken by me for PSM, which I can only think must have looked better than it did from my angle, but I’ll take it, thanks fellas. Dave didn’t manage a hatrick, but did take the 9^th Unity wicket to go from a Former Sussex Bakers (Forfars….do keep up) to complete his Michelle. 

First 5for for Dave for a number of years, hopefully they’ll be more to come if we wrap him up in cotton wool. 

Last over bowled out by Dom as fast as he could was a formality and The Unity finished on 108 for 9.  

Some very fine Harveys were had at the friendly Pig and Butcher before heading back to Brighton. Back at the Constant, meeting up with some members of the Driver family, it was like old times, apart from only 4 Greysmen. Why can’t it be Bank Holiday Monday every week, or everyone move back to Hanover? 

Game, venue, result, opposition, performance, company…. all as good as we could hope for. What a start to the season. 

Statto’s report:

A winning start and a great day in the history of the club as The Mighty Greys vanquish the London Unity. 2 teams who haven’t been able to set foot on the same pitch for over 30 years.
Stats-wise the bowlers dominated with stand out performance from DD (5 for 20) including a stumping is that his first??? Louis also deserves a mention with figures of 7-5-6-1… I do like a good economy figure.
In the batting a captain’s innings from QB (43*) sees him at the top of the table.
Next week we’re off to Cuckfield…