TMGs vs Headliners 29th August 2021 by Robbie Hoare

The Headliners @ Colemans Hatch – Sunday 29th August 2021.

Things that I can remember about Sunday

  1. The captain posting on WhatsApp that he wasn’t fit and we were, therefore, a man short
  2. The captain posting on WhatsApp that Duncan was available
  3. The captain posting on WhatsApp that Duncan was unavailable
  4. Having a pleasant pre-match pint at the Constant
  5. Driving to Colemans Hatch
  6. Learning that Terry was now the 11th man
  7. Terry wearing black trousers
  8. Alex having no trousers
  9. Alex wearing a shirt with “onion bag” written on it
  10. Dom & Diamond bowling a very tight opening spell
  11. Rob & EO replacing them and getting carted
  12. Roborbob taking a good low-down catch at point
  13. James dropping one off his old man (tough chance running back over his shoulder).
  14. A husband nearly killing his wife by holding her head down as a six whistled past her
  15. Robor coming on and bowling well with no luck
  16. Hatrick coming on and bowling sharply but struggling a bit with his length
  17. Biff coming on and bowling in his hat
  18. Diamond coming back on and taking excellent c&b
  19. Dom coming back on and bowling someone – top of off
  20. Their opener getting a slightly streaky 50
  21. Dilshan looking like he could play a bit and getting an unstreaky 50
  22. A very ginger lad trying to hit everything to midwicket
  23. A bloke repeated blowing his nose into his gloves, their captain apparently
  24. Them finishing with 201 or 202 (says 202 in their scorebook but I seem to remember 201 on the scoreboard)
  25. Tea, with a cup of tea
  26. Dilshan opening the bowling and being proper quick
  27. Biff hitting him for 4
  28. Hatrick hitting the other opener for 4
  29. Hatrick getting bowled by Dilshan
  30. Robor getting bowled by Dilshan for a golden duck and coming back and saying he didn’t see it
  31. James scoring his maiden runs for the Greys although I didn’t actually see it as I was in the changing room getting a beer (father of the year nom)
  32. James getting bowled behind his legs
  33. Going out to umpire (leaving junior in charge of the scorebook)
  34. Jerry coming out and looking in good nick
  35. Jerry looping a simple catch to mid off
  36. Biff hitting a dog with a firmly struck off drive
  37. Biff getting caught off sharp c&b
  38. Alex playing nicely and hitting several 4’s
  39. Dom coming in to replace Alex and not being fit, dodgy shoulder
  40. Upsetting their young spinner by giving wides
  41. Getting changed into my pads
  42. Making my mark and kicking dust into the wickies face as he was already in his crouch
  43. Thinking their bowler wasn’t all that and trying to sweep him and missing taking a large divot out of the pitch
  44. Hitting a six
  45. Getting a few more runs
  46. Jerry saying “I’m the umpire” all grumpy like
  47. Dilshan coming back on
  48. Hitting him for four
  49. Getting bowled by good slower ball
  50. Terry getting bowled first ball
  51. Alex getting very very angry
  52. Terry parking in a cricket net
  53. Dan’s endless complaining – not sure what it was about
  54. TMG losing by about 40 runs
  55. Winning PSM for aforementioned 6.

Things that apparently happened but I was either not paying attention or suffering from momentary blackouts

  1. Roborbob saying “it’s easy being me”
  2. EO mooning the incoming batsman
  3. Biff throwing his hat after bowling a wide (must be why he bowls in it)
  4. Dan not apologising – not sure who to or what for
  5. Jerry saying “fuck you!” to Dilshan when he insisted that EO & me were one short on a 2
  6. Biff’s aggressive ball throwing – not sure at what or whom

The dog after Biff hit him with a firmly struck cover drive.


A bucolic setting and 2 well matched teams, apart from one lad, Dilshan, who frankly was just a bit too good to be playing against a bunch of fat old men on a Sunday. He was the difference bowling at around 80mph with no sightscreens, it’s just not cricket (is it?).

Arrogance of youth & ability is one thing, but being a bit of a knob to boot is unfortunate. Fair play to Jerry for swearing at him.

A great night was had by all back at the Constant (as I recall). With a few of us tottering down to the hill to The Druids Head for a late one and a game of pool.

Don’t fuck with the Mighty Greys – or Jerry WILL swear at you

A poem by Hoare Snr

I went to the place where Pooh lives with Piglet

To play some journo’s at friendly cricket

Whilst there I met a fellow called Dilshan

Who bowls a lot quicker than I can

He got Hatrick and Robor, a Shadow and 1 Hoare

He made Fixtures angry, and got Jezza to roar

Alex started shouting and Jerry a-cussing

We’re left wondering why he plays on Sundays it’s a little confusing.

Robbie Hoare – PSM winner for his mega 6!
Robbie’s PSM montage.

Some retrospective award showboating

Headliner’s innings – 1.
TMGs innings – 2.
20201 stats – as of Headliners match – August 2021.

7 responses to “TMGs vs Headliners 29th August 2021 by Robbie Hoare

  1. Is kicking dirt into people’s faces a tribute to Charles Atlas? Great report, factual and funny, somehow brief but long.

  2. “So Shadow, you’ve had two months of injury time to think about it: how do you envisage your dream return to the crease?”

    “I see it like this. I’ll get a call one Sunday lunchtime long before I think I’m ready to return. The skipper will tug on my commitment to the team, and I’ll throw my kitbag into the car in a mad rush to drive across the Weald. I’ll come out to bat at 11 with TMG needing loads but it’s still doable. The light will be fading fast and there will be no sight screens. Coming in to bowl at other end will be a wiry whippersnapper who is quicker than anything anyone can remember. Just for good measure, Jerry will have wound him up to max. speed by arguing with him. Something like that, but then that’s the Greys way”.

  3. Pingback: The Pinstickers Guide from the Flat Capster Napster, Ian Sewell November 2021 | - home of the mighty greys cricket club·

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