The Headliners @ Colemans Hatch – Sunday 29th August 2021.
Things that I can remember about Sunday
- The captain posting on WhatsApp that he wasn’t fit and we were, therefore, a man short
- The captain posting on WhatsApp that Duncan was available
- The captain posting on WhatsApp that Duncan was unavailable
- Having a pleasant pre-match pint at the Constant
- Driving to Colemans Hatch
- Learning that Terry was now the 11th man
- Terry wearing black trousers
- Alex having no trousers
- Alex wearing a shirt with “onion bag” written on it
- Dom & Diamond bowling a very tight opening spell
- Rob & EO replacing them and getting carted
- Roborbob taking a good low-down catch at point
- James dropping one off his old man (tough chance running back over his shoulder).
- A husband nearly killing his wife by holding her head down as a six whistled past her
- Robor coming on and bowling well with no luck
- Hatrick coming on and bowling sharply but struggling a bit with his length
- Biff coming on and bowling in his hat
- Diamond coming back on and taking excellent c&b
- Dom coming back on and bowling someone – top of off
- Their opener getting a slightly streaky 50
- Dilshan looking like he could play a bit and getting an unstreaky 50
- A very ginger lad trying to hit everything to midwicket
- A bloke repeated blowing his nose into his gloves, their captain apparently
- Them finishing with 201 or 202 (says 202 in their scorebook but I seem to remember 201 on the scoreboard)
- Tea, with a cup of tea
- Dilshan opening the bowling and being proper quick
- Biff hitting him for 4
- Hatrick hitting the other opener for 4
- Hatrick getting bowled by Dilshan
- Robor getting bowled by Dilshan for a golden duck and coming back and saying he didn’t see it
- James scoring his maiden runs for the Greys although I didn’t actually see it as I was in the changing room getting a beer (father of the year nom)
- James getting bowled behind his legs
- Going out to umpire (leaving junior in charge of the scorebook)
- Jerry coming out and looking in good nick
- Jerry looping a simple catch to mid off
- Biff hitting a dog with a firmly struck off drive
- Biff getting caught off sharp c&b
- Alex playing nicely and hitting several 4’s
- Dom coming in to replace Alex and not being fit, dodgy shoulder
- Upsetting their young spinner by giving wides
- Getting changed into my pads
- Making my mark and kicking dust into the wickies face as he was already in his crouch
- Thinking their bowler wasn’t all that and trying to sweep him and missing taking a large divot out of the pitch
- Hitting a six
- Getting a few more runs
- Jerry saying “I’m the umpire” all grumpy like
- Dilshan coming back on
- Hitting him for four
- Getting bowled by good slower ball
- Terry getting bowled first ball
- Alex getting very very angry
- Terry parking in a cricket net
- Dan’s endless complaining – not sure what it was about
- TMG losing by about 40 runs
- Winning PSM for aforementioned 6.
Things that apparently happened but I was either not paying attention or suffering from momentary blackouts
- Roborbob saying “it’s easy being me”
- EO mooning the incoming batsman
- Biff throwing his hat after bowling a wide (must be why he bowls in it)
- Dan not apologising – not sure who to or what for
- Jerry saying “fuck you!” to Dilshan when he insisted that EO & me were one short on a 2
- Biff’s aggressive ball throwing – not sure at what or whom
The dog after Biff hit him with a firmly struck cover drive.
Synopsis
A bucolic setting and 2 well matched teams, apart from one lad, Dilshan, who frankly was just a bit too good to be playing against a bunch of fat old men on a Sunday. He was the difference bowling at around 80mph with no sightscreens, it’s just not cricket (is it?).
Arrogance of youth & ability is one thing, but being a bit of a knob to boot is unfortunate. Fair play to Jerry for swearing at him.
A great night was had by all back at the Constant (as I recall). With a few of us tottering down to the hill to The Druids Head for a late one and a game of pool.
Don’t fuck with the Mighty Greys – or Jerry WILL swear at you
A poem by Hoare Snr
I went to the place where Pooh lives with Piglet
To play some journo’s at friendly cricket
Whilst there I met a fellow called Dilshan
Who bowls a lot quicker than I can
He got Hatrick and Robor, a Shadow and 1 Hoare
He made Fixtures angry, and got Jezza to roar
Alex started shouting and Jerry a-cussing
We’re left wondering why he plays on Sundays it’s a little confusing.
Some retrospective award showboating
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Top top work Robbie. Great report, but kicking dust into their wickies face was just top work.
A Triptych! The long-lost new format!
Is kicking dirt into people’s faces a tribute to Charles Atlas? Great report, factual and funny, somehow brief but long.
“So Shadow, you’ve had two months of injury time to think about it: how do you envisage your dream return to the crease?”
“I see it like this. I’ll get a call one Sunday lunchtime long before I think I’m ready to return. The skipper will tug on my commitment to the team, and I’ll throw my kitbag into the car in a mad rush to drive across the Weald. I’ll come out to bat at 11 with TMG needing loads but it’s still doable. The light will be fading fast and there will be no sight screens. Coming in to bowl at other end will be a wiry whippersnapper who is quicker than anything anyone can remember. Just for good measure, Jerry will have wound him up to max. speed by arguing with him. Something like that, but then that’s the Greys way”.
Well turned up. Well avoided on that ball.
Did your whites come clean, Tel??
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