TMGs vs Hartfield 26th April, 2015 – by Delbert

TMGs vs Hartfield 26th April, 2015 by Delbert

Overs or time? The Hartfield transcript and a tribute to the great man (and his mate).

(end of KFC commercial where family lick their lips after polishing off a bucket of chicken). 


Morning everyone, and welcome to this grey and misty day up here in the hills in this beautiful setting of the Ashdown forest. There’s a packed house here today, and this crowd will want to see some electrifying cricket, in what will surely be a wonderful day’s cricket for the fans.

We have two mighty teeeems here today, the home town Hartfield, with a match under their belt already up against Those Mighty Greys, who after an exhaustive winter training camp in Plumpton, are looking sharp and raring to go. Last year this matchup was a tight one, with TMGs taking the match by only 7 runs in a late surge of wickets after the Hartfield middle order threatened to take the game away from the mighty touring side. Up here in the commentary box I have alongside me Delbert but first we head down to the middle for a look at today’s pitch, and then over to the skippers for the toss of the coin.

(cut to centre wicket).

Tony: Yes, wull it’s prutty dork and gloomy down hyar. As I pot my key unto the wicket hyar, yo can see that the putch is green but hord, and a luttle on the wonky side, but it shud provide for a but of bownce, seam and swung. The outfield is a luttle dormp at the moment, but the grors is prutty short and the ball shud run awoy to the boundary. All in all it shud provide for a gud day’s crucket. The Dulux wuther wotch shows that it’s 8degrees hyar today, with a small chornce of lught rain later on in the day. It’ll be a gud tuss to wun, I thunk 170 wull be a good score hyar, so let’s head over to the skippers for the tuss of the coin.

So Buff, how’s the team looking today?

Biff (TMGs skipper): Yeah, not too bad mate, thanks. We’ve lost Ricky which is always a blow, he didn’t want to be more than a few miles away from Hat-Rick’s wife, she’s about to give birth you know. Then of course Hat-Rick didn’t want to be more than a few miles away either, because, well you know, if Ricky’s only a few miles away from the mrs, you’ve got to stay close to home. And my opening bowler can’t fucking tell which day of the week it is. You know he didn’t come to nets all fucking winter, then he calls me on Thursday this week before the first game and asks me what time nets are on tonight. So I tell him he’s a fucking moron, nets were last night, on Wednesday, like they have been all fucking winter. Oh, he says, I could have made Wednesdays. Fucking donut I told him. Then he turns up fucking late today, when I explicitly told him to be on time. Donut. But anyway, we’ve lost Ricky, and Hat-Rick, and I’m gutted our superstar Double Dee can’t be here, but we’ve got David the Kid Hadrill with us, everyone loves him, and Timmy Greaves is back. He’s fat, but he’s just such a great guy to have in the team. And our very own Aussie scum is back in the team too. We didn’t have him here last year, he so I’m hoping he’ll pull his bloody weight for once to help us win again here this year. With Double Dee out, we’ll need our scum. Overall, I think we’ve got a pretty strong side.

Tony: what about you Jan, how’s your team looking?

Jan (Hartfield skipper): not too bad mate, thanks. We’d better get the toss done.

Tony: ok thun, Buff, wadleetbee?

Biff: I’ll have a head.

Tony: Tails it is.

Jan: we’ll have a bat.

Biff: Jesus, ok, well thanks mate. We’ll take that any day. So how do you want to play it? Village rules, or time? It’s your call mate, we play by your rules.

Jan: we play time, I hope that’s ok?

Biff: that’s fine mate. Two and a half hours til tea, then an hour and a half and 20 overs?

Jan: (distracted by sound of ball crashing into Robbie’s shins). Fine, no problem, (they shake hands),  good luck mate.

Biff: you too mate, ta.

(Cut to commentary box).

So there you have it, the home side Hartfield have won the toss and elected to bat on what seems to be a wet, green top. Perhaps they know something I don’t Tony, it looks to me a good one to bowl on. Anyway, the openers are on their way out to middle here at the HCG as TMGs openers limber up. It looks like QB Newland from the lovely view end, with A R Gallagher from the double pub end.

(About 20 minutes later)…

QB and Gallagher are bowling some good line and length here, but the odd four ball is letting them down. The Hartfield openers Ball and Brunsden have punished a few short ones, and a few full ones chew. They really have played some lovely shots and are building a solid foundation for the rest of the teeeeem, in fact they’re looking pretty solid and TMGs have hardly beaten the bat.

(About 20 minutes later)…

And QB Newland having beaten the bat a bit more of late steams in, he’s definitely bowling a yard quicker than last year I’d say, here he goes, he’s got him! A real rip snorter, one that comes back in from outside off stump and knocks over his middle stump. Brunsden was genuinely outplayed there, and after a very impressive 27 he’s out, bowled by Newland with the score on 68 or so….I say or so because these scorers out here are absolutely shocking. The penwork on this scorebook looks like it’s been written by a drunken toddler with a mallet sized crayon. Back in my day you never would have seen such a thing. Coloured  biros, wagon wheels, off-side leg-side differentiation of shots, you don’t see that these days.

Anyway, here comes the other Ball; an even bigger Ball this time, coming in at number three after a short stint of umpiring from the sidelines. Not a bad effort that, considering he had to keep the scorebook up to date chew. He looks solid this Ball, again with a good technique, just like his older brother at the other end.

(About 20 minutes later)…

The Hartfield lot are really cruising here. A few comical dropped catches could really cost the Greys here. That swirler off the bowling of Hoare was rather unexpectedly floored with the keeper Fenton who was not quite under it. Real shame that. And some sloppy fielding from several of the Greys fielders: Covill, Hoare, Burgess all failing to get down with the long barrier, but good old chubs Greaves, managed to get his substantial weight behind everything that came his way. He almost ate a few of those off the football field lines. Hehe.

(About 20 minutes later)…

He’s got him! Yes lovely delivery that. Hoare has the smaller of the two Balls caught at long off by Line for 78. A cracking innings that. Some lovely shots all round the ground. But what a catch, that was really hit hard. After a tough few overs, TMGs have finally managed to take the vital wicket of the captain.  Here comes Andre, looking a bit less fluent than the skipper.

(About 10 minutes later)…

Oh and he’s out chew! Run out in what can only be described as a real mix up. TMGs very nearly fucked it chew. The throw in from Line a bit high, but Covill managed to take the bails just in time. Good old Andre, back in the pavilion for 7. The crowd are really starting to stir here.

(About 10 minutes later)…

Some good scrambling late in the innings from the Harfield middle order as they try to keep the momentum going, but the Greys late order bowlers Line and Covill have really pegged them back taking a couple of late wickets. Line taking the key wicket of the big, hairier Ball for 51. Sewell bowled well, but really didn’t have much luck today, finishing with 0-51 off his 8 overs. Line had 1-10 off his 3, Covill chew for 14 off his 4, Hoare 1-37 off his 8, Gallagher 0-40 off his 7 and QB Newland, with his new found pace finished with 1-28 off his 8 overs. As the players take their tea, Hartfield have finished in a strong position on 7-183 off their 38 overs. But will it be enough?

(cut to KFC commercial).


Welcome back to the HCG; the players are coming back onto the field after a marvellous tea of sangers and cake, all homemade and ooh, just delicious. Those fuckers over in the BBC test match special commentary box will be mighty jealous of that one.

Coming in from the lovely view end with his rhythmical glide through the crease we have Anwar, he looks a handful this young man with the lovely love handles on full show through that crimpy top. Here he comes, and oooh, he’s dispatched first ball to the boundary;  glud beautifully through the gully at the perfect catching height. I’ll bet he’s regretting not having a gully in there, that’s a trademark Brasher cut shot first up. Lovely it was. And not a bad start at all, 10 off the first over. I think the Greys are keen to win this one folks.

And here comes Dyer from the two pub end, with his….are they RED armbands? Surely not, that’s just not cricket. Yes that’s right folks, Dyer is bowling from in front of a dark brown barn, with two “cricket ball” red arm bands. Not since those bastard Chappelli brothers conspired with the underarm debacle have I seen such despicable tactics. But it doesn’t seem to bother the skipper Line, who drives a beauty down the ground. It was only a punch, but boy did it race to the boundary. Lovely shot that. And just as TMGs seem to settle, Brasher is trapped in front by the Red Devil Dyer for 6, with Aussie Scum Covill fumbling to the crease. He looks nervous this young man, and he’s got good reason chew. A man bowling with red arm bands, a green wicket, and the crowd roaring, it must be tough out there.

Oh and Line’s gone chew. Bowled by Anwar for 10. A real shame that, bit of a comedy dismissal, but Anwar has bowled well indeed. It seemed to dribble onto the stumps after Line played it down. Not really sure what happened there.

In waddles Greaves. He’s a big lad this fella. Real “Jabba the Hut” material. He really shouldn’t have had that coffee cake. 6 slices is far chew much really. Anyway, he looks to play his first ball straight, but then changes his mind and chips Anwar for 3. Bit risky that. But he got away with that.

(About 10 minutes later)…

Some really sketchy strokes being played here, but Covill and Greaves are still there. God knows how. Covill even seemed to verbally abuse his co-batter, telling his over-sized teeeem mate to “play fucking straight”.

(About 10 minutes later)…

There’s a bit of a partnership building here. The man mountain and the little aussie scum are digging in their heels here, even if it is getting a bit dark. There’s still plenty to get though, and the run rate as slowed right town.

(About 10 minutes later)…

After 14 overs we still have 30 minutes until there’s 20 overs left. Still time for these guys to turn this around. What’s that, there’s a confrontation on the pitch. The Hartfield skipper seems to think that time is up and the 20 overs begin from here, but TMGs skipper is having none of it. He bursts onto the field without a top on, waiving his big white finger at the Hartfield skipper. This could get ugly viewers. The skippers are exchanging words, but I think there’s some compromise going on. Clearly there was a mix up at the toss. Got knows what caused that, I hope it wasn’t Hoare, he seems to really have fucked things up lately.

What’s this, the skippers seem to have resolved it, they agree to an equal overs match with village rules, 38 overs a piece. That seems like a very civilised compromise, but the Hartfield fielders don’t seem so happy. This could be a pivotal moment in the match.

So play has resumed with both Greaves and Covill in their teens, starting to build things up nicely. They’re running well between the wickets, despite the satellite at one end. He does run well for a man with his own orbit. Gota give him credit for that.

And they’re starting to play some nice shots here and have really picked up the pace. Greaves creams one (he does love cream) over square leg, one bounce for four. You don’t bowl low full tosses to Greaves.

And oh no, what’s this, Howarth has bowled him! It was another low full toss, bit slower this time, but this time the behemoth Greaves has missed it. Clean bowled for 35 with the score on 103. Still 81 to get from the remaining 18 overs. This could be tight.

Out walks Burgess, he has a real spring in his step. Those silver shadows seem to make him bound over the field as he walks.

In comes Howarth to the watchful Burgess. The old dog really seems to have a steely focus on him today. He looks determined to see this through.  Brown digs one in and Burgess rocks back and pulls him majestically to the mid wicket boundary. Things are really rolling here with the score on 153 from 27 overs. TMGs only need 31 from 11 overs. Since the controversy things really have swung the Grey’s way.

And here comes Anwar, it’s a low full toss and BANG, Covill dispatches that one onto the clubhouse roof. There were a few tiles exploding there. What a great way to bring up his 50. Cracking shot that, and for his troubles he wins the PSM for today.

And in comes Harding, it’s a foregone conclusion now, Burgess and Covill have really run hard and squeezed the life out of the Harfield lot in what can only be described as very dark conditions. With only 5 needed Burgess again rocks back and BANG, pulls Harding to the midwicket boundary. Lovely shot that. Only one to get.

Here comes Harding and Burgess glides this one in front of square, they’ve done it. They’ve pulled it back and managed to win in only 30.2 overs….well within the 35 overs that would have been allocated had they played the Harftield village rules. Burgess finishes on 20 not out, and Covill 90 not out. A fair end result really, TMGs really did well to dig in after some early wickets fell and managed to run away with it in the end. But it could have been so different. That early period where Greaves and Covill managed to survive their rough patch was oh so crucial.

Well there you have it folks, a moral victory for the away side here today. Some great cricket played, some real sportsmanship chew, all in good spirit in front of a record crowd. A lovely tea, with some marvellous cakes in there chew.

That’s all we have time for here from the HCG today, from the commentary box up here, it’s good night.

(cut to KFC commercial).

PSM: Del for his 6 over mid wicket to bring up his 50.


No pictures of the cricket today, but here are some from the pub!


tmgs-vs-hartfield-tmgs-batting-second-apr2015 hartfield-batting-first-apr2015 Averages-Hartfield-april2015

rob-alan-hartfield-april2015 tmgs-april2015 del-eo-ian-hartfield-april2015tmgs-pub-hartfield-2015-2

9 responses to “TMGs vs Hartfield 26th April, 2015 – by Delbert

  1. Great stuff Del. Non-admittance of my litany of dropped catches is much appreciated.
    Good luck on Sunday, Greysmen. I’m sorry I can’t play, but my body isn’t; 5 days into recovery, and my leg muscles are still protesting.

  2. yes, sorry Benny, there was the tough chance on the boundary, where you dived forward and it seemingly bounced out of your hands, but what were the other ones?

  3. great match report Del !
    Just off to Weight Watchers then my therapist for emotional issues !

  4. Covell DID play for you greying chaps last season. Without his 50 you would have been crushed and the match a dull one..I can do funny lingo too: some of your players remind me that “..Thees cassn’t zee as well as thee cust (couldst) cast? Thees gotta wer glasses, hasn’t.?…All those edges and sprayed around bowling. Still, you d’ banter well. Hcc correspondent.

  5. aha! hi Daisy, I’m not quite sure I undersand that (I have been known to miss the point in many jokes), but thanks for contributing to our website! we pride ourselves on our banter (and our beer – hence our motto; “Beer and Banter”), most of which is slanderous or rude, and most of it is of course directed at ourselves (hence I’m the aussie scum). You are right, we were lucky last weekend, if some of those early chances went to hand you would have had us wrapped up before your man had finished emptying the boot of those lovely real ales – we have a reputation for rather dramatic collapses. But alas we rode that luck to victory!

    You are incorrect however on the point of Covill (that’s me) playing against you guys last year (I refer you to our match report from last year – complete with images from the scorebook – I definately didn’t play at the HCC last year (our first encounter) – I would have remembered that beautiful setting, those incredible cakes, the nicely match opponents that both teams are, and the great spirit which which you guys play the game (this year demonstrated by the very amicable compromise on the decision to extend the game). One thing I do remember from that weekend last year is the ribbing I got for missing the match for my mother in-law’s birthday….

    good luck with the rest of the season and we look forward to seeing you next year! Del

    • It’s like I was there del! Great stuff. Hopefully I’ll make the next one or the one after. No sleep for 5 days may effect my razor sharp reactions and like-clockwork bowling skills hahaha

  6. Nice one Del boy. Recognise the voices, especially Biff’s. As you say, nice to have a contribution from the opposition. Did you moderate it? I don’t really understand it either….

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