TMGs vs Sidbury (tour) 11th June by Ben Newland

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

So there was like, this house party and it was kicking off, and the music was banging and there was this freaky weird sound system with bass boomin’ an’ all, and all these dudes dancing, and they called themselves, like, The Mega Grey Dudes (?) or something like that, I don’t know, and I’m like cool yeah, I’ll get involved, and their all singing…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

…and then the next thing I know is, I wake up in this dark room and there is this Mega Grey Dude with real long toe nails in the other bed and he’s like both snoring but also making this real deep sensual moaning sound, and I’m like, man I should really give this guy some ‘me’ time, … So I walk out into this big room and there is this bald guy cooking all this food and I sit down with all these Mega Grey Dudes from the night before, and there was like sausage, and fried egg, and bacon, and beans and tomatoes, and mushrooms (not the fun, type, you know, just mushrooms, but they were tasty anyways), and they’re all talking about weird sports and stuff and saying…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

…Then they all decide to go for a drive, and I’m like, ok, as long as I don’t have to drive, coz man I can’t see straight, and I get in a car with this old dude who doesn’t look like an old dude, so they call him the Kid, and he drives down this road where there are all these, like, scarecrows, but the scarecrows are also like golfers, and doctors, but also racist. Then the Kid drives us to this Hobbit town with these cool little Hobbit houses with hairy roofs, and I was all like, “Kid, we should totally stop and go say Hi to some Hobbits!” and he’s like, no, we’ve got this game to play with these real Nice Guys, we’re gonna…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

So we drive up to this really green field, like the greenest green thing you ever saw, like if there is ultra violet, then this field must be mega-green, and there’s these sticks poking out the ground, and one of the Grey Dudes from last night who seems to think he is some kind of leader, but I ain’t so sure, even though he does look like Mussolini, anyway he walks out into the field with one of the nice guys and then comes back and says that our guys are going to try to hit the ball for 30 overs, whatever that is, because of a soccer game.

So the Mussolini guy and this other dude who looks like a lady who likes other ladies, but is in fact a dude, they walk out into the field with this crazy get up, all in white and padded and stuff, and these 2 real strong nice guys start hurling balls at them real hard, like neeeeeeeeeeeeeooooooooooooow! and then one of the balls hits butch-femme guy’s sticks and another hits Mussolini on the pinky and I’m starting to think these nice guys ain’t so nice after all.

Then this other bald Grey Dude from last night who is bald but not like old bald, he heads out into the field, but he gets his bat caught in his leg defenders and one of the nice guys hits his sticks too.

And then a Mega Grey Dude comes along who wasn’t there last night, he comes from nowhere man, in this silent car, it made no noise at all, and I’m like Whoa! Where did he come from, and he has this really cool name, they call him Shadow. Shadow says he has been given the hold up by some real nasty dude called Offsted, but now Offsted is totally slayed and it’s time to…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

The leader guy is like, “Nah, I ain’t gonna let a smartin’ pinky gonna rain on MY parade!” and he starts swingin’ his bat around like Darth Vader’s light sabre, all Fshhwoong, Fshwoong, Ksssshhhh!, and balls are going all over the joint, so maybe he is a good leader even if a bit Fascist. By the time one of the nice guys catches one of his ball hits, Mussolini’s got 71 run completions.

So now it was time for the bald breakfast making dude to hit the ball, and he makes real good bat buddies with the Shadow and they use up the whole rest of the ball releases, even though the nice guys use the hard hurler again… coz the Shadow just glides it to the perimeter to make 38 or 37 out of the whole sports bunch score of 149 and everyone walks in from the field to…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Suddenly I think I’m telling a story, but I’m not, I’m just lying on the green, Eating. Eating, like, real nice pizza and this lemony cake which is kinda normal, but then I was also drinking this otter, which was pretty weird.

Then it is the turn of all the Mega Grey Dudes to stand in the field but there isn’t enough of them so they convert this really young Nice Guy called Tom into Mega Grey Dude from half time, and the leader Mega Grey Dude gives me the ball and he tells me to wang it at the sticks, and to start with the nice guy bat holder hits the ball around, but then he hits it into his sticks for me, and I’m like “thanks dude!”, then this other nice guy plays the ball with his leg instead of the bat the and the judge tells him to walk off the field. Then this new nice guy comes out and I release this ultra-slow-hurl, and he plays a big swing like way before the ball gets to him and eventually, the  ball gives a little smoochy kiss to the sticks. All the Mega Grey Dudes call this a Party Seven Moment, and that’s why I have to write this.

At the other end of the field there was this other bald Mega Grey Dude called Double D and he hits some more sticks and that meant 4 of them were back sitting in a shed, and they still needed about a hundred.

Then there was this guy falling over all over the place, and we were all laughing, and then I realised it was the Mega Grey dude with the big toe nails from the dark room, anyway he starts ball hurling and the nice guys can’t hit it but then this really strong nice guy called Barney comes along, and he treats that poor ball real bad, totally splurging into all the Hobbit gardens and woods and stuff and the green stuff at the edge of the field was all scratchy and stingy, and I’m like, “Dudes! Can we just keep this ball in the field for a while?!”

… but Barney won’t let up, even when this real tricksy Mega Grey Dude called E-O starts to ball hurl, and he’s like Sa-Mash!, Sa-Mash! Saaaaaa-MASH! and I’m feeling real sorry for the ball now.

The Leader guy decides to ball hurl himself and the lesbian Grey Dude, and even though lesbian Grey dude hits the sticks, the game ends with the Nice Guys making all the score.

So the Nice Guys turn out to actually be nice guys and we talk for a while but we gotta go cause this huge soccer game is happening and Double D has to feed all the Mega Grey Dudes. It’s time to…

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Eat, Play, Rave, Repeat!

Double D makes this trippy chilli with all chocolate and coffee and meat stuff in it, but its really good and EO Grey Dude eats like 4 meals and then can’t eat again for like 2 days, then the soccer game happens and the English dudes are like hammering these Russian dudes but don’t kick the ball into the score zone, but then they do, but then the Ruskies do too and there are no winners.

But it don’t matter to the Mega Grey Dudes, who start singing like they all think they are on X-Factor, and there this Lesbian Elvis Mega Grey dude who totally rocks the party and gets everyone singing…





…and then the Mussolini guy gets all fascist on the not old bald mega Grey Dude, because he tries to sleep, but sleep isn’t in the song, and the leader Dude totally rails on him with this pillow, and calls him a “Fat ARS”, but he can’t spell so the not old bald guy stays in bed.

Then suddenly I’m flying and all the other Mega Grey Dudes are all flying, soaring like birds or bats or something through the air except the ones that are getting landed on until a foot comes off the couch.





and then there was this other game, but it’s some other dudes job to tell you about that one….


Sidbury 120616_1Sidbury 120616_2


8 responses to “TMGs vs Sidbury (tour) 11th June by Ben Newland

  1. Brilliant Ben. Up there with the best of them, and had us all in stitches last night with Ian reading it to us.

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