Taking Chavism to the Toffs……

At approximately 18.57, as the heat finally began to fade in intensity across the sun-baked Withyham CC outfield, an eerily high pitched, harrowingly aggressive crescendoed cry………..

‘……rrrrrRRRRIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIIICCCHHHAAAAAAARRRRRRD…….’

……..could still be heard reverberating around the Ashdown Forest lined theatre of [cricketing] dreams. Later understood as the self-admonishing mating call of the Greater-Haired Dickie-Bird, this haunting cry was a final punishment for the senses of the dazed Withyham ‘Toffs’ Sunday XI as they slumped, traumatised from the field having just let a gaggle of ageing chavs chase down their imposing target of 305 with 9 balls to spare.

On afternoon that saw an eye-popping 612 runs in 68.3 overs, it was a day not to be a bowler. Even the return of the prodigal Diamond Dan to set up a formidable opening attack with Elsie proved wicketless against a pair of arrogant youthful Withyham batters used to the surface and the lightening outfield. Further toil followed from Dom, Chief and EO in the face of relentless heat from both the sun and the Withyham order. Well-deserved wickets apiece finally came for the toiling trio which helped to keep the total from spiralling out of control. Chief started by breaking the opening partnership, inducing one of the first false shots of the day – the ball sent high and spiralling into the blue to be well taken by Dom on its descent. Dom then trapped the young no.3 LBW with a lovely nip-backer, before EO made doubly sure of removing the well-set no.4 with a ball that was plum LBW and then went on to actually hit middle.

In short, it was sweaty, frustrating and fruitless graft for the bowlers and impressive work in the field from the Greys on the toughest of days to ‘restrict’ Withyham to 304-4 off their 35 overs. That said, Biff’s visiting relations, I’m sure, would’ve been more impressed if the Grey’s collective efforts had resulted in more wickets and less C-bombs. Sorry Biff.

On the Grey’s innings starting, a seemingly impossible task at tea of chasing 305 to win began to become realised. This was thanks to a lightning-fast outfield, strangely set fields (no midwicket or deep backward square?!) and plenty of loose pacy bowling on a pitch for the batters, which allowed the TMGs order to make hay. This coupled with the motivation gained from a horn-inspired derogatory comment from a Withyham boomer on the social status of the TMGs ensured a record chase was achieved at a canter. 140 for Tim, 78 for Tommy Nix and 37* for Rich broke the back of the chase and allowed for Elsie Finisher (selfless decision from skip Benny to send in the terminator) to come in and thwack the winning runs, including a stonker of a six straight through the doors of the quaint Withyham Pavilion.

What. A. Win.

Here are some of the particular highlights (noms) of the day in no particular order……..

• Chief remarkably catching the ball with his neck – a faux Real McCoy the only thing between a wicket and the first Grey’s death on the field.

• Rich Lenton’s self-admonishment after Tim’s run out, unsettling the wildlife in the forest and confirming for Biff’s relatives that cricket can be a bit edgy. Some say that it can still be heard reverberating around the ground, haunting the Withyham youngsters as a stark reminder that chavs can play cricket……

‘rrrrrrrrrRRRRRRRRIIIIIICHAAAAAAARD!!!’

• Dom’s exclamation of “THIS PLACE SUCKS!” after getting out to ‘literally the only ball’ that shot along the floor all day on a pitch for the batters.

• For everyone’s information, an investigation is still ongoing as to how Tommy Nix [allegedly] managed to embed a coin into the pitch and ensure the young bowler hit it, causing the ball to shoot and dismiss Dom. “THE PEOPLE DESERVE TO KNOW” (Ashton, D. (2026) TMG’s Info Group. WhatsApp. Accessed 25.10.26)

• Tommy Nix’s punch through the covers, threading the ball through 3 fielders for another boundary.

• Stoical work from Robbie H – specialist fielder and scorer on the hottest of days.

• Chief’s submission for “Dunc of the Day” – creeping in from his position on the rope only to duck and concede a boundary rather than catch the ball.

• Double horn nom – Dom’s horning in acknowledgement of Tommy Nix’s six landing as ‘a bit chavvy’ with the Withyham contingent, and Elsie’s jazzy horn salute to Tim’s 100 really rubbing TMG’s ‘chavness’ into the Withyham wounds…..

• Benny’s decision to send in Elsie Finisher to complete the chase and didn’t disappoint…..

• Elsie’s wallop of a six over cow corner, straight through the pavilion door. Terminator.

• Rich Lenton’s 16 from one over off their quick, including a sublime on drive – really put the game to bed.

• Tim’s off drive hitting on the top of the bounce – couldn’t be seen on the way to the boundary (PSM)……

A great win for the great unwashed.

DFWTMG.

Withyham: 304 for 4 (35 Overs)

TMGs: 308 for 3 (33.3 Overs)