50 Grey’s sheds (download audiobook for this match report here!)
No Dave Day on Sunday, so to make up for it……
Horsdean. Look at all those sheds up there. Once they were green or brown and now they’re all grey. Must be about 50 of them up there.
And look at all those men! Young, old, tall, short, thin, fat, brown, grey and one of them is even Australian. All meeting in a field together in broad daylight with bags and bags of equipment and loads of beer to get us in the mood. So brave!
What’s that? They want to me to go into that tiny room in the largest shed and take all my clothes off with them? And put on this uniform? And strap all this apparatus on? Alright!.
Jerry already has his on. He’s really keen to get going. Even two pairs of gloves, soft ones because his big knobbly hard ones get hot and sweaty.
Where’s Biff going? To toss-up in the middle with a man he barely knows! After he’s looked at a strip!
Funny place, the middle. Lots of men go there together to work in a partnership while even more men stand around watching them. Lots of singles is the best way, apparently.
They’re going first. We’re going to have to come from behind, Biff says, so let’s keep it tight. Game on
Now we’re standing in a ring around the middle and Robbie is glaring at someone with intent in his eyes. He’s looking at a man, bit comical, bent over, waiting to receive, holding his rubberised shaft lightly between his fingers.
“In hard Robbie” we shout. “Concentrate on your length!”. . You’ve done it 249 times before. It’s coming, we all tell him. But try as he might – and he really does try – he just can’t penetrate through. The funny man strokes it well, we all think, but only now and again.
Here’s Rikki, tall and erect, Don’t bang it in too short. Too easy for them to pull, and one of them is a compulsive hooker! The more erect you are is, the better your length will be we tell him.
Girls! With back packs? In our field? Do they want to come in the ring too? Rikki sees them from the corner of his eye and stiffens up. Fast and hard he thinks and there it is, all this wood rent asunder and splayed everywhere. We all want to run and touch him. Give that ball back to the men in white coats because we don’t want any tampering going on.
Now they’re just flirting with us and they’ve gone all shy. No-one’s trying to penetrate our ring any more.
A dot ball is a hot ball we all shout. Rikki’s balls must be really hot by now because Alan tries to hold them, too hot, try again still too hot, hotter than the hottest potato and it falls to the floor with Alan looking limp and spent.
Too hot for Ben too as they slide through, up above and down below. Keep your pecker up lads! We’re still right behind you!
Now here’s Ibu holding it gently and rolling his fingers slowly across the top of it. He guides it down into the corridor of uncertainty. Ooooo! Is that a maiden.
Jerry is running up and down holding his helmet in his hand. A fine tickle into his grateful hands and the comedian has gone, his tail between his legs.
We’ve got them where we want them now.
Biff is outside the ring but he still gets one straight down his throat!
We all stop for a while and sit around the shed, covering our mouths with jam and squirty cream everywhere, over our lips and up our noses.
Now Jerry wants someone to knock up with him, but it’s alright, he’s covered himself with protection. What lovely soft hands he has when he holds his wood in them we think, but oh no he’s guided it straight into his slips! Seems like he always does that!
Here’s Guy with his strong wrists. Great wrist action Guy. He likes going over the top too but he tries too hard and his protection bursts.
Del is stroking it really well. Plenty of pink rubbers on his shaft! Little hands on a big stick.
It’s your end he keeps shouting to me. My end? Up and down we go, 44 times, getting hotter and sweatier.
Now he’s really cracked one off!
He’s really getting on top of them now, one by one.
Ooo you really spanked that one!
Now he’s really dominating them.
Oo he’s creamed it!
Biff wraps his lips around his horn and blows it as the excitement rises.
We’re giving them a right beating and this is coming to a big climax.
Then just as we’re getting ready to give that horn a big final blast Del falls into the comedian’s outstretched hands and has no choice but to withdraw himself from the ring and go for a cold shower. Maybe a beer too.
I try to ramp it up even more but I can’t get it up high enough and they all run in and hold their hands over my head. Think I was too early on that one. Bit premature again! Later, everyone says it was a bit like champagne. Really?
No anti-climax though as Alex comes out and thrashes one straight away. It goes really deep into the rough.
Everyone rushes to touch everyone else and agree to do it all again next year.
In the showers there’s really only one thing to say: Don’t fuck with the Mighty Greys!
Back at the pub Robbie announces that he will be starting a relationship helpline on the website to help us have successful relationships with women, but we don’t need that, obviously.