Brighton Fashion week is always a hectic week for yours truly but regular readers of this column will be delighted to know that I managed to snatch a few  blissful hours Greys legend Bob Golby between  catwalks.  This week I’m going straight in and tackling the big one, but I’ll confess straight away that many of the ideas that follow are Bob’s secrets, not mine.

Top Tips Two: Personal Hygiene and Grooming

  1. Clean Out Your Colon

Many is the time that I’ve watched the Mighty Greys shuffle onto the field while thinking “This lot are full of shit!”.  Well guys, it doesn’t have to be that way any longer – 45 minutes of colonic irrigation will clean you out and help your movement both on and off the pitch.  Get yourself hosed out at Revitalise in Hove for only £70 a go.  Bargain!

  1. Get Right Up Their Nose

After facing a series of smell-the-leather balls, there’s nothing worse than looking into the face of an angry opening bowler as they and realising that they have nasal hair problems.  Hair in your hooter can grow up to 1cm in just a month! Don’t let it happen to you – for just £14.50,  Groom Mate’s Platinum Nasal and Ear Trimmer will get right in there and sort our those footloose follicles.  And with no batteries required we’ll all be doing our bit to save the environment.

  1. Don’t smell the leather!

Am I the only one who thinks that a cricket ball smells a bit, well…, agricultural?  Especially after it’s been rubbed into Ian’s crotch after every delivery!  How about freshening it up with a nice drop of Luminescents’ Leather Fragrance Oil – only £10 for 25ml

  1.  Changing Rooms in the Changing Room

Let’s fight those odours in the changing room! It was a big hit with the team when I first fired up some jasmine aromatherapy oils, but why not bring in a nice vase of lilies or irises as well?

  1. Chat Up the Umpire

How many times have we seen umpires turn down an LBW appeal in disgust after they’ve just had a blast of halitosis from the bowler? After our traditional  calorie-controlled cricket teas, floss your teeth with Oral B’s waxed Superfloss, 50 strips for only £3. Then have a good swill out with Corsodyl’s Mint Mouthwash for only £4.55, and that plumb delivery will be rewarded.

  1.  We’re  gorgeous, not gorillas!

Give your arms plenty of room to push through those cover drives and get rid of that underarm hair!  Keep it and you’re just providing a breeding ground for every nasty bacterium on the planet.  Give yourself a better chance of a tickle to fine leg and take it all off with  the Phillips Norelco Bodygroom Shaver (only £36.99).

  1. Three showers a day.

Remember how we all loved to see Yves Saint Laurent’s L’Homme All Over Body Gel (£6 for 200 mm) poking out of Bob’s kit bag?  It goes without saying that we all give ourselves a good rinse and rubdown before and after every match, but why not take one in the tea interval as well?  And why not pop on a drop of YSL’s  heavenly L’homme Eau de Toilette at the same time?

  1. Stay fresh on the pitch

Elite athletes like Bob and me know that one of the greatest challenges to anyone playing sport at the highest level is the glowing effect produced by all that running around.  A quick read on the web about Hyperhidrosis is enough to make anyone stay in the pavilion and leaf through and old Cosmo. Cover yourself head to toe in SureMen Maximum for 48 hour protection (only £4) and make use the drinks break to dip your hands in the bowls of talcum I put behind the stumps.  Let’s help each other fight the foul with a good rubdown!

  1. Make Your Digits Divine

How many more catches would we take if we were properly manicured?   I’ve lost count of the number of times I’ve watched in horror as Biff has thrown his bijou towelling hat on the floor and shouted “He’ll never hold to anything with hidden cuticles!. Be like me and make sure you pop into the Chou Chou Nail Salon on Market Street on a Saturday afternoon. £20 for a basic and £30 for a full SPA.

  1. Make them Orange with Envy!

Am I the only one who gets upset at the sight of all that early season pallid white flesh poking out from all corners?  Help set off our beautiful whites with some St. Tropez Self Tan Bronzing Mousse.  Super-lightweight, easy-to-apply, velvety mousse that delivers the ultra-even all-over tan you’ve always wanted. Delivering a streak free tan, it dries in just 60 seconds so you can whip it on anytime, anywhere – even while you’re at the crease!. Only £30.65 for 240 ml.

Coming soon – I’ll be launching my very own branded cosmetics, so look out for the Silver Shadow logo at an outlet near you!

Next week: how to look good and feel great on tour!

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