TMGs vs Sidbury – TOUR – 13th June 2015 by QB Ben Newland

The second weekend of June marks the Mighty Greys annual mid-season pilgrimage to a holistic wellbeing retreat, this year’s taking place on an organic edible flower farm in bucolic East Devon. This long weekend of communing with nature conditions the mind, body and spirit to the highest possible levels of human attainment, with each Greysman sharing his own personal insights into philosophies both Eastern and Western, ancient and new-age, and on subjects natural, scientific, metaphysical, and spiritual.

To galvanise the collective beyond mere athletic prowess and to fulfil its inevitable destiny as an immense benevolent life force, The Mighty Greys combine the latest Western ideas on sports nutrition and psychology with the great learnings of Eastern philosophy and ancient spirituality.

This growth, both individual and communal is punctuated by 2 cricket games against local teams, the first of which is at the picturesque village of Sidbury.

The Sidbury XI looked markedly younger, fitter and more athletic, but would surely offer no match for the Grand-Mastery of a Mighty Greys team with an average age of 46.5.

TMGs were to bowl first, and welcomed Overlord Dave Day back into his opening bowler slot for the first time this season. Feeling reborn after Chiefy’s Friday night crystal therapy session that had completely unblocked his Mulhadara Chakra, Double D claimed the wicket of a Sidbury opener, caught by Biff, and bowled a characteristically tidy spell to end with figures of 7 overs, 1 maiden, 1 for 26.

Ricky Southon, opening from the other end, and coming off the back of an epic Shamanic giggling workshop, had no luck, possibly because the smoking areas of the tour accommodation may have had defective FengShui. 0 for 25 from 5.

The Great Polymyth, EO, had earlier delivered a fascinating lecture on quantum ambiguity, but struggled to apply his learning to the game scenario and went for 26 runs from his 5 overs with no wickets.

It was left to his student, QB Newland, to surpass the master. QB started well, finding the edge with his first ball, dutifully caught by wicket keeper Fenton and had opener Simon caught by Jerry off a full toss in his second over. Then he, deploying the Great Polymyth’s insights from the opaque world of quantum uncertainty, produced 3 balls that simultaneously existed outside off stump and also on leg stump, leading to 3 batsmen being bowled, his first “Michelle” for TMGs, best ever bowling figures (6 overs, 1 maiden, 5 for 20) and the scoop of PSM in the process.

With the Sidbury score at just over 100 and 6 down, there was hope that TMGs could complete the task cheaply, and be left with a nice achievable target.

Chiefy took a brief break from his weekend-long colonic irrigation programme to turn his arm over and bowled 5 overs 1 for 22.

Alas the other bowlers proved expensive going for a combined score of 74 from the last 7 overs, special mention going to Zack Dykes for first running underneath, then successfully adjusting to catch Oli, off Terry Burgess’s cost-no-object final over.

TMGs had benevolently guided Sidbury to the sacred Angel Number of 200…

“… a message from your angels that your devotion, faith and trust has led you to a ‘knowing’ that you are in-line with your life purpose and soul mission.

Tea provided an opportunity for Sidbury express their gratitude with superior spread including smoked salmon, quality sandwiches, home made sausage rolls and cake, and a chance to compare artisanally brewed isotonic sports beverages. The Devonshire version is created under the guidance of an otter animal spirit totem, and the Sussex version created in accordance to the astrological movements of shadowy heavenly bodies. It was a draw, both methods produce excellent beer.

Incidentally, Jerry Brasher was chosen by a new animal spirit guide in the off season, somewhat to the detriment of his batting; his heightened sense of sensual touch provided by 2015’s mole, being less effective out in the middle than the predatory skills of last year’s eagle. He was caught for 1.

Captain Biff was seemingly preoccupied with his plans for a Sunday night yogic flying competition and was caught for 3.

If truth be told, Alex Fenton’s prosaically modern, western approach to performance enhancement has yielded better returns than ancient mysticism so far this season. By fuelling himself and others with a combination of full English breakfasts, steroids and dietary supplements he has become TMG’s highest scoring batsman, and so it proved today smashing 4 muscular 4s on his way to a top score of 24.

Timmy Greaves had already pulled his massive weight by raising the bar of sports nutrition to new heights with his Friday night meal, so didn’t bother to bother the scorers.

Terry Burgess, “ceremonial guru to the moral compost of the Greys”, was more interested in masterminding his Saturday night ecstatic free dance class, and departed for 1.

Zack Dykes had entered a meditative state of thoughtless awareness at the wicket and faced 11 dot balls in an innings of 1.

With Dave Day’s Chakras now completely unblocked, life energies coursed so freely within him that he had become so acutely perceptive of inner beauty, that he could hardly look at another human being without being overwhelmed by joy. Swinging blindly through enraptured tears, he was caught for 2.

All day, Chiefy had been waxing lyrical about the ephemeral beauty of the life cycle of may flies, who burn brilliantly for only one day before dying. He decided to replicate it by hitting his first ball for 4 and getting out on his second.

EO couldn’t decide if the ball was behaving more like a wave or a particle and was out for 1.

It was just left for QB Newland to be on the receiving end of cosmic Karma; an inswinging yorker similar to that that had accounted for 3 of the Sidbury batsmen, obliterating his middle stump.

The scorebook records a heavy defeat, being bowled out for 51, 150 runs short of victory. What the scorebook does not record is the Mighty Grey’s transcendence beyond the plain of human metaphysical experience to a new level of spiritual awakening. Perhaps this should be considered when buying a score book for next season.

All that remained was for TMGs to retire to their accommodations to continue their unending quest toward a true team purpose, beyond mere sporting results, to an ideal of pure moral courage, intellectualism, peace, and real ale connoisseurship.


5 responses to “TMGs vs Sidbury – TOUR – 13th June 2015 by QB Ben Newland

  1. Great stuff Ben. I think you are fully prepared for Glasto. Should get a pretty good view floating through the air as you surely will be. Inner peace, man.

  2. Excellent Benny – wish I was there to lower the toned a notch or two. And a Michelle – we are not worthy…

  3. its only just entered my sphere of consciousness but like i think that match report has expanded our oneness

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