RUN TMG – The Ultimate Showdown (feat. DJ Hat Rick and emcee Throbbin’ Toe).

 

 (CAUTION EXPLICIT)

As Biffo and the other skip amble to the square

I’m pretty sure we all know what’ll happen there

Regardless of the weather, regardless of the lads

Biff’ll stride out to the square in his pads

 

Seems predictions were correct we were going into bat

Playing in our trainers on a long green mat

An artificial pitch in a gale force nine

Jerry hit a cracking shot straight up through the line

 

Chiefy was the ump, his reactions pretty slow

He dropped down on his belly there was nowhere else to go

 

(Screams)

 

But Chiefy wasn’t dead, so everything was fine

Until Jerry didn’t step to the ball in time

Befuddled by the finger, a little unkind

Jerry did his usual move caught behind

 

(Musical Interlude)

 

Then, came yours truly to the wicket number three

Walking to the middle did a little nervous wee

He had a long run up and his action was pretty neat

All those fucking yorkers, I was worried for my feet

 

But we started getting runs, the skipper and me

Until your lowly rapper caused a big calamity

I played a nice cover drive straight to their man

He bent down to get it, I thought, “I’m not sure he can”

 

But “Yes, no, maybe, no, yes, sheesh!”

The call so indecisive made a grown man weep

Up went the finger run out for only four

BIFF RAGE triggered as they showed the skip the door

 

(Biff from the outfield: You F**ing T**sser!”)

 

I don’t like cricket Oh no…

 

It screwed my left knee now it’s cracked my big toe

And now the skipper hates me I’ve got nowhere left to go

 

I don’t like cricket Oh no…

 

At least we’ve got Zonk who can join me at the square

He’s a batting legend who can surely get them scared!

But Dominic Ashton he hates batting number four

He look so deflated, I hope that he can score!

 

Oh fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck

Dom’s got out for a golden duck

Del’s not playing and neither’s double dee

We’re halfway though and we’ve only got 53

 

But there’s still half a chance we can win this cricket match

As Terry strolls in to take his turn with the bat

 

(Shadoooooooow)

 

So, Terry’s score was ticking over, I was taking up my guard

When another fucking yorker hit my big toe pretty hard

It hurt like a bastard, wasn’t sure what I could do

I felt my toe was swelling, trying to bust right through my shoe

 

So I had to soldier on, though it was throbbing to my core

Good Job Terry smacked a stunning looking four

 

(Applause)

 

The partnership was building it was going pretty well

When right out of nowhere came a slightly dodgy spell

Tel got a leading edge, tonked it way up in the sky

The catch was really easy, then came Tel’s battle cry

   

So off marched Terry with his bat under his arm,

But when the geezer dropped it, I had to sound out the alarm

And Terry only clocked it about halfway to the shed

I’ve never seen him run so fast, into the crease he sped

 

What a classic moment in the history of sport

I wish it got a nom so he could write this match report

 

Then came the moment now I thought, “Now, this is it!”

I swung my little Newbery for a fucking massive six

 

(Horn)

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

It felt pretty good but now I wish that I was caught

I’ve spent all day rapping a fucking match report

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

While I was still admiring my giant hefty clout

A senseless swish outside the line, the wicky caught me out

 

Duncan can save us from embarrassing frowns

Oh no, he’s tried smack it right over the downs!

 

And just as the melody shift up a key

In strides our ninja master Mr Zachary

If anyone can belt it to the boundary then it’s Zack

I’m pretty sure that he won’t get out for a quack

 

Oh no, no, it looks like we’re floored!

He’s the third Greysman with nothing on the board

 

But Next comes Chiefy ‘Mr Slogger Man’

He can swing a bat like a muscly Scottish clan

Hang on, oh no! Is this a different bloke?

Why’s he chosen this game to do defensive strokes

 

The Chief got up to ten, but then the man was caught

Who would join the Shadow slowly racking up his score

We needed something special to turn this game around

Surely that man Gallagher can smack it out the ground

 

It seems that I was right that Alan had some tricks,

It didn’t take him very long to pull a giant six

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

Al and Tel were hitting runs all about the ground

When Alan hit one in the air, the Twineham catch was sound

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

And so, Al’s in the pavilion with one run over ten,

The Mighty Greys have left it up to VC Quiet Ben

 

Oh Good Ben and Shadow their defiant final stand!

Look so good together! Is there still a hope we won’t get panned?

 

Tel did a cracking job splitting up the field

Good Ben smacked a few, there’s no way he would yield

But just as him and Tel started punching for the rope

The Greys ran out of time this village rules is just a joke…

 

The innings at a close, there’s no more we could do

Twineham needed 125 – it looked like we were screwed

 

 

—————————-

 

(Pleasant Tea-time Interlude)

 

—————————-

 

 

With the wind it’s Gallagher

He is gonna mangle ya

With every ball he’s strangle ya

I don’t think that they’ll handle ya

He’s a cricket vandal-er

He’s to left arm scandal- er

They wish they were in Malaga

 

but they’re not, they’re here in Twineham, just off the A23, near Sayers Common

 

But Alan’s looking angry.

 

In walked their openers, and neither wore a lid

And Alan he scraped his hoof – I started praying for their kids

This pair of greying Twineham men, on plastic turf they trod

One seemed pretty normal but the other looked like God

 

Alan flipped the ball in hand and at the wicket he appeared

The deity moved out the way, the ball just scraped his beard

But somewhere in the clouds on high the angels sang for him

Though Alan tried his slower ball, the runs they did begin

 

And then Al he started bowling at their ageing lidless heads

But neither of them looked that scared and left the ball instead

He was struggling with his run up, in the well cut Twineham field

And even though he bowled quite well, this pair refused to yield

 

Up at the other end it looked like wickets we could gain

With Quiet Ben in sunglasses, a mighty steaming train

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

Benny bowled so soundly as he always seems to do

His mighty big banananas seemed to shake the Twineham crew

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

Try as Ben did they scuppered every single throw

That bloke and the Almighty one they just refused to go

 

But then Alan bowling bodyline, it seemed a flawed tactic

But then the ball came off God’s edge “Oh fucking hell Hat Rick!”

 

If Jerry would of snatched it then he would have been a ledge

But me I was just hypnotised looking at a hedge

 

“I didn’t even see it Biff, I’m sorry that I missed!”

“Well try a little harder mate!” the angry skipper hissed

 

Short and full, Fast and slow, nothing would take traction

The Mighty Greys were yawning for a massive lack of action

 

The time had come to change it up and Chiefy got his turn

Looking pretty confident with out his beard and gurn

 

Just when it was feeling like we’d never get a break

Chiefy rolled his finger and he caused a bad mistake

Luckily for all of us Ben changed the fielding plan

And off the bat the cricket ball just landed in my hand!

 

——————

 

(Ah)

 

——————

 

So, one wicket down and now the Chieftain took his aim

He slipped one down into the pads and won a shouted claim

 

Now I don’t mean to trouble you

But that was LBW

Oh Chief we want to cuddle you

That’s two scalps down – good to have you back mate!

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

But Dave he wasn’t finished there, he had point he had to prove,

And every ball looked perfect now the Chief was in the Groove

 

I don’t like cricket. Oh no…

 

His athletic frame rolled another beauty in,

He threw one up and down it came, a wicket he did win

 

Chiefy had three and we had a chance again

It’s over to Dom to take one from the other end

 

So, Dom was back full confidence to bowl his mighty seam

The batsman looked quite petrified and cried an inward scream

 

Dom slowly got his line and length a newer faster strain

He smacked a Twiner in the ribs, who moaned aloud in pain

 

Dom, he followed onward and threw down a mighty blow,

Corridor, uncertainty, the stump shot out the hole

 

But Dom he hadn’t finished he was hungry like the wolf

His bowling got quite accurate he was getting in his groove

His buns were looking tight – the tightest buns I’ve seen

He bowled another Twiner as it flew straight past his knee

 

And down to the final over and we had a parting crack

But the last 2 dudes who swung at it, they thwarted our attack

 

As Dom came striding in to deliver what one last try

The ball it shot through between Jerry’s legs – a nutmeg and four bys

 

The game came to a close – and our flame it had been snubbed

We all went for a lovely pint at a 15th century pub

 

THE END