The official version of this match report has unfortunately been delayed. In accordance with Mighty Greys policy all official versions of match reports are written on goat skin but, due to a current shortage, this is not yet possible. In the meantime here is the unofficial online version:
In times of political upheaval it’s generally considered wise not to go outside the boundaries of Brighton and Hove. Within this coastal sanctuary of Green and Red you can end pretty much any moan or monologue with an acerbic utterance of “Fucking Tories!” and receive a ripple of applause from any friends, neighbours or perfect strangers that happen to be gathered in your vicinity. Should one need to venture outside the city walls in election week though, let the reason be cricket!
The Mighty Greys Coalition of Chaos ventured out into the Blue hinterlands of East Sussex to take on the formidable Buxted Park. It’s a very picturesque part of the world and, apparently, house prices rocketed once Chiefy left and moved to Brighton. It’s such an upscale club that they even had a lovely, impartial umpire to officiate on proceedings – and I don’t mean ‘impartial’ in the way Laura Kuenssberg understands the term, I mean actually impartial (which, after last week, was very welcome indeed).
Anyway, the question on everyone’s lips was, would the Greys lose in brave and honourable fashion, defying the odds like Jezza’s youthful red army, or would they lose in a more humiliating fashion like Theresa’s corrupt shower of arrogant shitbags? The answer is….uh….well, the latter, unfortunately.
It all started quite well. For the first time this season The Greys were made to bowl first and they didn’t do it too badly. The Buxted openers formed a strong and stable partnership but, thanks to some miserly bowling by Ricky Castro and some fearsome stuff from Alan Guevara, they didn’t completely dominate the early exchanges. 20 overs in though, the Greys were a bit desperate for a wicket. Luckily Comrade Chiefy came up with the goods; bamboozling Buxted’s senior opener with a flighted one. The resultant top edge went high towards wide mid-off. Zonko Trotsky sprinted after it with all the zeal of a 18-24 year old racing to the polling booths to vote for a brighter future. He thrust out his right hand and with a touch of luck managed to claim the catch – good things come to he who votes for the many and not the few!
Chairman Mao and Biffhail Gorbachev kept things tight at the death, with Shadow beating the bat on numerous occasions and the skipper claiming the only other wicket of the innings thanks to a smart catch by Ally G. Our hosts finished on a respectable 176-2.
Whatever the fuck happened next can only really be guessed at.
Collectively and individually the Greys batsmen posted lower numbers than a UKIP candidate standing in a university town. All out for about 60-odd? I was too depressed to look at the scorebook so I’m not entirely sure.
HatRick Attlee was the first to the exit polls, caught behind after getting a nick as slight and slender as Amber Rudd’s majority in Hastings and Rye. Our Chairman fell shortly after. Biffo Marx and Alex Engels briefly threatened to put together a partnership of real purpose, with the skipper hitting one sumptuous cover drive towards the pavilion for 4. It wasn’t long though, before both were back in the hutch. The Zonk was next to fall, pulling a short one but judging the pace with all the accuracy of a centrist Guardian journalist predicting an election result – caught at mid-wicket. Stupid. Stupid! This must be what Nick Cohen feels like.
Evil Ben Stalin and The Man From D.U.N.C.L.E looked as though they were about to save the Greys blushes. Evil laced a wonderful cover drive up the hill, splitting the field like a divisive dementia tax policy, and Dunc slapped an impressive 4 over mid-wicket off a tricky leggy. Sadly these were the last notable actions of the innings and the Buxted Parkers snaffled the remaining wickets to leave the Greys wondering how they could have been quite so awful with the bat. Of course, they’d had to field during the time of day when they would usually have been having an early afternoon nap whilst Del scored a hundred, and maybe that had left them a bit tired and grouchy…..but it shouldn’t have had quite such a dramatic effect, surely??
Anyway, we got thrashed. Who knows the reason why? ……”Fucking Tories!”
*ripples of applause*
Thanks for this Dom, In it’s way, it’s one of the best match reports ever. It feels effortlessly written and your punning is relentless. Hope the tour is a disaster! Again.
Thanks Eeyo! Was trying to crowbar in a reference to Lord Buckethead somehow but couldn’t find the angle. You were greatly missed on tour. We did of course lose both games
Great stuff Dom, and thanks for the rousing battle cry, Ian, though we did miss you really.
you were most definitely missed EO some of the youngsters didn’t have your stamina at all ; also missed your bowling as Luppitt had a rather tasty ( in more ways than one ) number 3.
Thank you, Comrade Dom. Brightened up my morning in Myanmar…despite the recount needed for Greysmen runs polled!
How’s it going out there, Dave? Is it as hot as it is in Sussex?
Brighton & Hove Crescent put us to shame on the speed ( obviously not quality ) of their match reports ; http://www.pitchero.com/clubs/brightonandhovecrescent/teams/9162/match-centre/0-3585585
This was on their website by 10:00AM Monday morning .
indeedy…well done guys! now it will be nice to read about it through the eyes of our own…who am I chasing for this? well batted Jerry – and good bit of self promotion here!
Would that be for “brilliant run-out”, by any chance?
Here am i getting snippets of news from the oppo-fucking-sition.
Come on Dave – Kiershen can help with the order of words.
Alan’s run-out AND match-winning catch were both PSM winner-worthy, but yeah, the run-out was special – you should have seen it! We need to start wearing go-pros on all our heads