The Greysman Formerly Known as Jerry.
After the sickening scenes from the Saturday tour game (seeing Dom running around the pitch to work up – oh yeah, and Chiefy rupturing his Achilles), our weary band of heroes moved on to our favourite tea and possibly the nicest bunch of fellas we play against at Luppitt.
Biff had explained – I mean told us – he wanted to go with a ‘youthful’ policy today and given the terrible injury suffered by Chief, it seemed a sound one. What could possibly go wrong?
Unfortunately the lads of Luppitt had only eight, and when Skip asked if anyone fancied playing for them, Jerry/English Scum/Scab/k.d laing (as it says in the official scorebook) decided playing against his former team mates an offer too good to refuse.
Biff won the toss and decided to bat, so off Skip went with his new opening partner and winner of the previous night’s TT competition, and author of over-indulgent and over-long match reports, Hatrick. Unfortunately, this partnership only lasted four balls before Skip edged one through to the keeper for a rare duck. Next in was Tim ‘no really I did cook that curry, and it definitely wasn’t one of my staff’s’ Greaves. Now , as we all know, Tim doesn’t hang about and both himself and Hatrick moved the score along nicely against some decent bowling from our hosts.
I’m afraid I missed what happened next: Tim took a run that wasn’t on, throwing himself and his considerable bulk forward in a vain attempt to avoid being run out. But run out he was. On Tim returning he had a bit of a lump sticking out of his shoulder where – and I’m no doctor – there definitely shouldn’t have been. So visit No 2 for the weekend for a Greysman, and much love has to be sent to Wig for driving Tim to A&E and just being a good egg. Tim had scored 15 with three excellent fours.
Zac and Dunc went cheaply but Hatrick looked like he’d been opening all his life and was moving the score on beautifully. Next in was Evil Ben who I’ve never had the pleasure of sharing a pitch with – and a pleasure it was to watch him play with great diligence, also for 15.
At this point, Luppitt gave the Scab a bowl. And with Hatrick closing in on a 50, we were all exciited on seeing him despatch ‘TGFKAJ’ to all parts of the ground. Little did we know that one short of the half century, Jerry would bowl a straight one and Hatrick played all round it, and was bowled.
Young Lion and Alex didn’t hang about for long. And it was left to possibly the best 9,10,11 in Greys history to add 62 for the last three wickets. Dave, 24, Zonk, 23 (including two big sixes), and QB 7 not out. So at tea TMG posted 181.
After tea, QB and Zonk opened the bowling and it wasn’t long before QB accounted for the Luppitt opener with a trademark inswinging length ball. Quality. This brought ‘TGFKAJ’ to the crease and as much as it hurts me to say, he batted very well even when first ball Biff cleverly posted three slips and six gullys.
Next to strike was Zonk, having Pike caught by Zac. Jerry continued to score and one knew it was going to take something decent to get him out. Next up was myself and Zac and luckily for me I got a couple in a decent first spell. Zac, on the other hand, proved a tad expensive and I hope this made him realise an early night on tour before a game is a foolish judgment.
Scab and Hooper’s partnership was proving hard to break and the game was running away from us. Jerry passed 50 to stony silence although his new teammates seemed to enjoy the milestone. Ben, coming back on from the other end, finally removed Hooper for 45. Skip, who shrewdly had saved an over, brought me back on and I bowled a double wicket maiden including PSM-winning and ‘ball of the century’ candidate bowling left arm around pitching six inches outside leg stump but still coming back enough to bowl R. Pullman. But we still hadn’t removed Scab and with the help of another Pullman, Luppitt won the game, Jerry carrying his bat for 78.
So let’s finally look at the Tour stats: two games, two lost, two hospitalised; one Greysman winning the game for the opposition. You might think not a very successful tour, but those there know it was another epic effort and a truly unforgettable Tour. And all this without stalwarts Terry, EO and Ricky. You can try fucking with TMG, and you might beat us on a Sunday afternoon, but let’s get real, we are something more than our individual parts. We are the greatest bunch of cricketers/cooks/DJs/whiff-whaffers/bon viveurs and mates in world cricket. And that includes Jerry. Cunt.