TMGs vs Horley 21st April 2019 by Biff Lineo


Scene: HQ, 9pm Sunday, a group of slightly dishevelled men converse in the corner.

Dunc: What media will you be employing for the match report Biff?
QB:    Medium.
Dunc: Medium.
Biff:    Large.

In an outlandishly generous attempt to make Dunc right about something, multiple media will be employed.You can play along by selecting the medium NOT employed from the list at the end.

There was a young lady from Horley
In the colour you are when you’re poorly
She made proceedings
Exceedingly pleasing
On Tuesday we’re still moving sorely

Back from the dead on Easter Sunday the gritty Greys draw
Bringing to mind the Hassocks heroics of Robbie of yore
A team who we’ve never beaten
But humble pie we have not eaten
The stone rolls away for the opener Hoare

So. The Horley innings.
Quite brutal at times.
Ben, Dom and Hatrick got wickets,
Tel, Chiefy and Rob did not.
Keith’s mum says they were on a hiding to nothing anyway.

Zonc; Chiefy had me in exactly the right position. All three of those sixes went directly over my head.

Some moments don’t even get nommed!

Hatrick     :     Who was in the car with Jerry? He’s going early
Everyone :     You were Rick, just you.

Zac doing a wheelspin belly flop as he took off too fast spikeless.

Some do.

Chiefy being detonated spinning to the floor by a ball that was barely moving.

Biff holding up play by taking his shirt off to disgorge the foliage from his latest trip into the trees to fetch the ball and not being able to get it back on thereby disturbing the batsman.


Long after the promised sporting declaration, as most of the players are ‘enjoying’ tea (no cheese),the forlorn figure of the former skipper is still marching around the square. Barking out field placements, marking his run up and muttering. ‘Ben said I was on next, come on we need wickets.

Dibbly dobbly away swinger then dibbly dobbly away swinger then dibbly dobbly away swinger then dibbly dobbly away swinger THEN’; dragged off by a giant cartoon shepherds crook.

Biffo opened,36, bit scratchy, few nicks
Hat and Alan went double, then out, in trouble
Dom got a few, one six, made 42
‘Dunc breathe deeply’, no way, went cheaply
Jerry got an edge, still win? Bet hedge

Now for the moment of tru-th
We see our batting her-oes
Hammering anything loo-se
And digging out stuff off their toes.

Driving majestically through wide mid off,
Following with solid defence,
Waking the pavilion with a pull,
They could not trouble Ben.
Maxwell driving but also, against instinct,
Grinding out a result.

Oh Zac and Ben, were Wonderfull
Oh Zac and Ben were Wonderfull
They got us a draw at Horley
Oh Zac and Ben were Wonderfull, Oi!

Village rules away
Draw first game of the season
Medium or more


Short play
Rhyming poem
E.J.Thribb poem
Long unpunctuated sentence
Prose poem
Mike Skinner style rap with singy bit
Acrostic poem
Interpretive dance



8 responses to “TMGs vs Horley 21st April 2019 by Biff Lineo

  1. Marvellous report, that, Biffo. Was lucky not to get nommed for my low grade brain quality, I agree. Nice denouement with the Haiku-usage too. Worth the wait. ‘Mon the Greys!

  2. Excellent start, Chaps. Enjoyed the ‘Scrapbook’of the day. Much more civilised than a tortured genre-driven effort! For what were you awarded PSM?

  3. the picture of the scoreboard in the middle of Mike Skinners song was not there when it left me so sorry if that makes an already big imaginative ask worse

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