MC HAT-RICK (feat. FIDDY RUNS)

The ‘DIFFICULT SECOND’ Match Report

POYNINGS vs. TMGs

Here it is, the final hip-hop match report I will ever do (I promise). 

Yes, there are theme tunes and, yes, it is a little underwhelming and, yes, the first one was much better…

Look, sniff, I lost all my freelance work for the month… they just ripped it away like I meant nothing to them… so I had some time on my hands… 

Anyway, stop moaning and read – and sing along brothers!!

So I thought I’d do another song it won’t be quite as good

But I’ll try to do my best just like a proper Greysmen should

Didn’t want my maiden fifty to go straight up to my head

But I couldn’t stop the onset of that sunday cricket cred

 

It made me want to rap again, my ego hard to stop

So here it is another slice of truly bad hip hop

 

——

 

The mood was slightly worried with the weather on the brink

I sat down in the table for an alcoholic drink

 

The weather apps were talked about, the future we would see

The men were drinking Harveys, Dunc and Dom were drinking tea

 

We got to Poynings early, parked our cars on muddy grass

And slid around the car park nearly slipped onto my ass

 

And I got to the their pavilion, had a little look at them

And what I saw in front of me was kids and portly men

 

——

 

Oh my days I’m a cricketer in pain

We want to get a game in but it looks like they’ll be rain

Last week we encountered a similar outlook

We want it to be sunny by it’s soggy underfoot

Said Oh my gosh, This is cricket with a frown

We wanted 40 overs, but it gonna piss it down

——

 

I have no idea who won the toss, but we went into bat

Biffo at the one end at the other end was Hat

 

Skip was cut down early after showing mighty skills

Terry number three, the crowd were ready for some thrills

Our partnership grew slower than a lazy snail on dope

ONLY 20 OVERS called the skipper from the rope

 

Shadow and yours truly, we shifted up a gear

49 between us before Terry shed a tear

Ritchie raised his finger for the lbw shout

Shadow looked straight at his leg not sure that he was out

 

L to the B to the W

Rich could see it with a Hubble view

And now he’s burst Tel’s bubble too

Oh no! Mind that puddle dude!

 

—–

 

Oh my days I’m a cricketer in pain

We want to get a game in but it looks like they’ll be rain

Last week we encountered a similar outlook

We want it to be sunny by it’s soggy underfoot

Said oh my gosh, This is cricket with a frown

We wanted 40 overs, but it gonna piss it down

 

I Can’t Stand The Rain!

 

—–

 

(Rain App Check)

 

After Terry’s stupid leg got in the way of all the stumps

Then strode in Alex Fenton with a grin like Forest Gump

Nimble like a Springbok, an athlete of our times

He scored a few, then like a fool he swung across the line

 

Even though Alex got himself out like a prune

I promised him I’d create for him his very own theme tune!

 

(Fenton-based interlude)

 

(Duncan-based interlude)

 

After dithering and dallying the Duncle did appear

His tardiness is frowned upon, no ‘Greyman of the year’

 

He hit a decent double, two drives both of stoic strength

And then he tried to hit one hard that came in at a length

 

Our secret agent Casanova had to walk back to the shed

Just like all his victims now his innings it was dead

Said Dom’s Number six with his rounded buns of steel

I saw their wicket keeper trying to move in for a feel

 

BIG BAD DOM!

 

And next up to the plate was the Big Bad Zonk

I could see it in his eyes the man was ready for a tonk

I was hoping we could make a bid for Brokeback Mountain fame

But when I got my fiddy, I got out next ball so lame

Then in walked Mr Zachary to join Dom on the strip

The two them the only Greys who are vaguely near matchfit

 

——

 

Oh my days I’m a cricketer in pain

We want to get a game in but it looks like they’ll be rain

Last week we encountered a similar outlook

We want it to be sunny by it’s soggy underfoot

Said Oh my gosh, This is cricket with a frown

We wanted 40 overs, but it gonna piss it down

 

I Can’t Stand The Rain!

 

——

 

Dom he swung his blade like an angry samurai

I saw one of their five-year olds, he had a little cry

 

Dom scored 2 then 1 then 1 then 2, right at his best

But Zack aimed for that little kid and smashed him in the chest

 

Then it came my favourite moment of it all

When Dunc’s attempt at umpiring was fucking laughable

They bowled one and missed the strip it was too far outside

Duncan held out both his arms to signal it was wide

But no-one there couldn’t figure out the target of his arms

It seemed that he was pointing straight towards an empty farm

 

But everything turned out ok a cow was by the wall

It lifted up it’s bovine hoof to verify the call!

 

Mooooooooo!

 

Zack and Dom a powerhouse of style and strength and punch

They put on lots of runs real fast then wondered…

 

“Where’s our lunch?”

 

No cake no crisps no sandwiches

No biscuits, ham or cheese or buns

Oh, and Biff (and Dom!), no vegetarian options!

 

——

 

Oh my days I’m a cricketer in pain

We want to get a game in but it looks like they’ll be rain

Last week we encountered a similar outlook

We want it to be sunny by it’s soggy underfoot

Said oh my gosh, This is cricket with a frown

We wanted is 40 overs, but it gonna piss it down

 

I Can’t Stand The Rain!

 

——

 

THE POYNINNINGS…

 

We’re fielding in the rain

Just fielding in the rain

What a bloody big nightmare

I hate this fucking game!

I can’t see the ball

Can’t see nothing at all

We’re fielding, just fielding in the rain

 

QB begun the Grey’s attack in stormy darkened gales

His sunglasses they had no use, his thought were on the ales

He said he’d never bowled in anything quite like this hell

He soldiered on against the wind – a mighty greysman’s spell

 

Then Alan had a killer start, Biff held a catch quite soon

Until their hefty lefty started aiming at the moon

But after boundaries plentiful, he hit one skyward clout

The van-daler was on the rope and caught the ball – That’s out!

 

Rob-BOT Hoare

Bowling’s not a chore

For batsmen he’s a bore

As down the strip he tore

 

Swinger

Kinger

Nightmare Bringer

 

Liker

Psycher

Off stump striker…

 

Oooh… and he’s a StreetHawk Biker

He’s a man that I like-a
He’s a ROB-BOT

He’s a ROB-BOT

He’s a ROB-BOT

 

He’s a Rob-Bot Hoare

Greysman to the core

He leaves the batsmen sore

He screws them like a whore

A mighty bald centaur

He’ll go down in folk-lore

 

Oooh – Shut the back door!

 

——-

 

(Rain Stops Play)

 

——-

 

All together now!

 

Greysmen, let’s have a beer instead

‘Cos Cricket is no fun when you are soaking wet

It’s no fun at all

Cos’ we’ve got lots of extra time for drinking

 

——-

 

(Calming friendly chattter)

 

I got a lift with Partridge in the rain

His car it ain’t roadworthy, God the man should be ashamed

‘Cos bits are falling off

And the windscreen wipers are completely ineffectual!

 

(Goodbye from me and the Cow)

 

THE END