THE LONG LOST LAST MATCH REPORT………….
Found in a dark , dank ,smelly cave like area next to the social area of the ancient people’s TMG’erectus HQium some ancient scrolls were discovered and very slowly eminent professors who have studied these ancient people managed to understand what went on on that wet afternoon in the prehistoric village of Angmering.
The first scroll (fig 1) confounded all experts ; pictured using the common rain shelter technique of hatchbackus bootus were DDman and a later TMGerectus figure BUmbo’erectum a slight evolutionary tweak on the original tribe who was famed for his keenness . The words ” I hate playing in the rain ” were easily deciphered and were , quite obviously attributed to DDman a central figure in TMGerectus folklore well known for his dislike of actually partaking in ” the ritual ” and his preference for the more shamanic rites of the tribe. On closer inspection and using new carbon dating technologies it was shown that of the tribe standing in a pissing wet carpark (?) the words had actually come from Bumboerectum. All scientists now agree that this was the first time this creature had ever shown any doubt about partaking in the ritual (50 rituals a year for fucks sake , he’ll be like that brown shrivelled Spiegleman soon) and was thus another evolutionary tweak in this new strain of Greysman.
Obviously after so many years since the events took place many aspects of the days ritual have been lost to the annals of history but from these ancient pictures we can see that TMGerectus utilising their wooden clubs or “bats” as we believe they were called strode to the middle of the clearing to smash the red egg-like thing into the wet grass again and again and again a futile and frustrating practice which some feel may have contributed to the rancour and bad feeling that developed over the venue for their annual shamanic gathering where a chosen one or ” GOTY” as we believe he (and it was always a he) was known was selected. On a historical note this man was truly honoured and is respected and treated in a God like fashion for the 365 suns since his ordination i.e. no one can diss his match report regardless of how shit it is (note : you know who you are).
The tribesmen continued in the middle as the weather improved (perhaps the gods were smiling due to DanH’s toilet ritual of the previous year) with impressive whacks by BIFF, HR , Dom and most striking of all (fig 2), DC whacking it onto his pelt leg guards resulting in the wierd rival tribesman in the long white polar bear skin raising his finger in a true sign of aggression. DC stood his ground and the ritual was allowed to continue. This followed another incident where the white skinned one attempted to catch the red egg (reminiscent of William Webb Ellis many score years later a terrible incident that gave us fucking rugby, apologies I digress) a terrible transgression of the rites of this ritual but which was forgiven as this man had most definitely spent too long alone under a juniper bush or something.
After some hunting , gathering and foraging the ritual was reversed with the Angmeringers taking up the clubs and after some flinging of the red egg at the Tri-phallic obelisk it soon became clear TMG’erectus were more evolutionary advanced than there country cousins; particularly impressive were DanHman, DDman, Bumboerectum and DC.
This brought the tribal elder into the battle; we feel he is an important member of the tribe as he is the only one with colourization on the scroll which reflects his standing within the tribe and the fact that he has remained alive considerably longer than any other tribal member. Interpreting this scroll (fig 3) is difficult but seems to show him using his hypnotic brilliance to bamboozle the Angmeringman by bowling not at the phallic obelisk (as is the custom) but many widths to the side; confused the clubber wildly swung his club , under edged the red egg onto Fentonjustabouterectus’s foot to then nestle in-between GOTY’s thighs. A truly amazing incident which had never been recorded before or since. There was still time for Biff to revolutionise the technique of red egg stopping in a particularly relaxed fashion and even to this day the smile is still clearly visible on his face (fig 4).
The ritual slowly ground to halt as apart from some original chanting that has been deciphered “come on Mark” from the Angmeringers and “You’re not so chatty out here” from Fentonjustabouterectus the TMGerectus ended up victorious and another season had come to an end.
The mists of time can obscure many details, like my own participation in the mysterious ritual, for instance. Subsequent generations will pore over the video and scorebook documents and wonder “who was this 6 hitting character?” with the highest number next to his name, and why did the scribe see fit to edit him out of history? Much more to this than meets the eye….
Thank you J.erectus man. This made me laugh a lot
Apologies Cue Bea ( also the Woodingdeanium Familiar ) I adopted a new – for me at least – technique of not looking at the scorebook at all whilst writing the report 5 weeks after the game . With hindsight maybe a bit of familisation of what actually occured may have helped !
Cue Bea the Unwritten- (Greys) History is written by the winners (of PSM). That’s also why in Fig. 3 I am represented as a stylised foot, whereas Jerry is a fleshed out stick man with knees and a quiff and everything. Don’t think James gets a look in either.
This find with it’s wealth of archaeological and cultural discoveries is much more important than boring old Sutton Hoo. This shines a brilliant light on the ancients who dwelt here and their arcane and misunderstood pastimes.
Like The Dig, without the fitties.
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Jerry, this is brilliant! Taken me too bloody long to get round to reading it. It’s a shame Alex’s top sledges have lost us the fixture but they were funny. Love the drawing of the chaise long barrier